"Dad, are we gross?"
"Of course, Bud, we're boys."
"Oh, yeah. I forgot."
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Joking Around
During a weekend with a favorite cousin (Lou), Pie and Bubba were introduced to the world of formal joke telling. I am not sure the concept of the "formal joke" was totally understood.
To begin...Bubba told a classic.
"Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?"
Dramatic pause.
"Cause he was dead!"
Cue the unrestrained laughter of Hot Mom and Hot Mom's sister.
Then Pie told another classic.
"What has legs but can't walk?"
I had an urge to shout, "Grandpa!", who recently had knee surgery, but I bit my tongue to allow the comedy to flow freely.
Dramatic pause.
"A table."
Cue laughter once more.
Lou then chimed in with another.
"What has teeth but cannot chew?"
At this point Bubba had an Arnold Horshack moment where he raised his hand and started to yell.
"Ooooh, oooohh, oooohh, I know this one! I know this one!"
Lou desperately wanted to blurt out the punchline, but Bubba was having none of it. He was so sure he knew the answer.
"What is it, Bubba?" asked Lou.
"The police guy. The police guy from Daddy's work. Huh, Dad?"
Confused at Bubba's answer, Lou shook her head and finished her joke.
"Its a comb, Bubba."
"No, its not," insisted Bubba. "Its Doug. The answer is Doug. He has teeth and he can't chew. Right, Dad? We went and saw him at his house and he couldn't chew or anything."
Slowly I began to realize what Bubba was talking about. A month or so ago, a Ranger at my office had a very severe accident at work in which an ATV he was loading on to his truck fell off and pretty much crushed his head, breaking every bone in his face. Luckily, the doctors did some reconstructive surgery and Doug is expected to be just fine, but the doctors wired his jaw up tight so he has to eat/drink everything out of a straw.
So....technically....Doug has teeth and cannot chew. He IS the butt/punchline of the joke.
Like a little sleuth, Bubba figured it out and managed to ruin a joke and humiliate one of his dad's co-workers.
Like father, like son.
To begin...Bubba told a classic.
"Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?"
Dramatic pause.
"Cause he was dead!"
Cue the unrestrained laughter of Hot Mom and Hot Mom's sister.
Then Pie told another classic.
"What has legs but can't walk?"
I had an urge to shout, "Grandpa!", who recently had knee surgery, but I bit my tongue to allow the comedy to flow freely.
Dramatic pause.
"A table."
Cue laughter once more.
Lou then chimed in with another.
"What has teeth but cannot chew?"
At this point Bubba had an Arnold Horshack moment where he raised his hand and started to yell.
"Ooooh, oooohh, oooohh, I know this one! I know this one!"
Lou desperately wanted to blurt out the punchline, but Bubba was having none of it. He was so sure he knew the answer.
"What is it, Bubba?" asked Lou.
"The police guy. The police guy from Daddy's work. Huh, Dad?"
Confused at Bubba's answer, Lou shook her head and finished her joke.
"Its a comb, Bubba."
"No, its not," insisted Bubba. "Its Doug. The answer is Doug. He has teeth and he can't chew. Right, Dad? We went and saw him at his house and he couldn't chew or anything."
Slowly I began to realize what Bubba was talking about. A month or so ago, a Ranger at my office had a very severe accident at work in which an ATV he was loading on to his truck fell off and pretty much crushed his head, breaking every bone in his face. Luckily, the doctors did some reconstructive surgery and Doug is expected to be just fine, but the doctors wired his jaw up tight so he has to eat/drink everything out of a straw.
So....technically....Doug has teeth and cannot chew. He IS the butt/punchline of the joke.
Like a little sleuth, Bubba figured it out and managed to ruin a joke and humiliate one of his dad's co-workers.
Like father, like son.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Disneyland- What Really Happened
As much as Cool Dad wants to complain about Disneyland, he can’t deny that he had a great time. If for no other reason than our whole family was together. It is highly likely we could have brought the whole family together in a more cost effective way, but we were, as the Disney song says, “making memories”
Day one we hustled through both parks going on every major ride. Can I just say that having everyone old enough to walk, and a carry their own little backpack with treats and water was a total win win. We only has two small traumas with Bubba. He was not tall enough for Indiana Jones or California Screaming. Other than that he was pretty much in perma grin all day. It was pretty warm so we happily rode on Grizzly Bear Rapids. Luckily College Daughter soaked up most of the water on that ride and none of the rest of us got too wet.
Bubba did have one ride that he especially enjoyed. It was located in the Redwood Forrest at California Adventures. Surprisingly no big lines, and he went on it probably 20 times.
So basically I could have put a tire swing in my back yard, and saved myself about a thousand dollars. Good to know.
Day two we hit all of the must rides. Small World, Mr. Toads Wild Ride, Tikki Room, and of course Dumbo.
So to sum it all up.
Cool Dad enjoyed having something to complain about.
Hot Mom is planning the next trip (in three years when the checkbook balances again).
College Daughter is still wishing she could stay a kid forever.
Pie went on every roller coaster, but in each of the pictures they took on the rides she looked petrified.
Bubba held his hands up on every roller coaster, but would rather have played on "Smoke Jumper" all day.
Day one we hustled through both parks going on every major ride. Can I just say that having everyone old enough to walk, and a carry their own little backpack with treats and water was a total win win. We only has two small traumas with Bubba. He was not tall enough for Indiana Jones or California Screaming. Other than that he was pretty much in perma grin all day. It was pretty warm so we happily rode on Grizzly Bear Rapids. Luckily College Daughter soaked up most of the water on that ride and none of the rest of us got too wet.
Bubba did have one ride that he especially enjoyed. It was located in the Redwood Forrest at California Adventures. Surprisingly no big lines, and he went on it probably 20 times.
So basically I could have put a tire swing in my back yard, and saved myself about a thousand dollars. Good to know.
Day two we hit all of the must rides. Small World, Mr. Toads Wild Ride, Tikki Room, and of course Dumbo.
So to sum it all up.
Cool Dad enjoyed having something to complain about.
Hot Mom is planning the next trip (in three years when the checkbook balances again).
College Daughter is still wishing she could stay a kid forever.
Pie went on every roller coaster, but in each of the pictures they took on the rides she looked petrified.
Bubba held his hands up on every roller coaster, but would rather have played on "Smoke Jumper" all day.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
The Happiest Place on Earth
1 R/T Plane Ticket to Long Beach (for College Daughter) -- $210
5 Tickets to Disneyland -- $775.
Two Meals at Disneyland (one mac & cheese kids meal, two hamburger kids meals about the size of a 50-cent piece, one regular hamburger meal to share between Hot Mom and Cool Dad, a Caesar salad, three slices of pizza and an order of breadsticks) -- $90.
3 Churros at Disneyland -- $10.50.
One Gallon of Gas in California -- $4.19.
One Sweatshirt from Target (cuz Hot Mom forgot that it might get cold in California) -- $19.99.
The Wait in the Captain Nemo Submarine Line -- 1 hr. 10 minutes.
The Wait in the Get Cool on a 93 Degree Day Ride -- 1 hr. 15 minutes.
Total Time Spent in Restrooms in the Magic Kingdom -- 1 hr. 20 minutes.
Total Time Spent in Freezing Cold Pool at Cheap Hotel -- 27 minutes.
Total Time It Took Hot Mom to Get Freezing Kids Warm Food Following Cold Pool -- 49 minutes.
Total Time It Took Pie and Bubba to Fall Asleep Each Night -- 3 minutes 24 seconds.
Total Time It Took Cool Dad to Lose His Cool at the Happiest Place on Earth -- 1.73 seconds.
Total Time It Took Hot Mom to Sign Us Up for This Torture Again -- .041 seconds.
"I can't wait to do this again," said Hot Mom.
"Kill me, now!" said Cool Dad.
"We don't say 'Kill' in our family," said Bubba and Pie.
"Yeah, Cool Dad!" said College Daughter with her mouth full of churro.
5 Tickets to Disneyland -- $775.
Two Meals at Disneyland (one mac & cheese kids meal, two hamburger kids meals about the size of a 50-cent piece, one regular hamburger meal to share between Hot Mom and Cool Dad, a Caesar salad, three slices of pizza and an order of breadsticks) -- $90.
3 Churros at Disneyland -- $10.50.
One Gallon of Gas in California -- $4.19.
One Sweatshirt from Target (cuz Hot Mom forgot that it might get cold in California) -- $19.99.
The Wait in the Captain Nemo Submarine Line -- 1 hr. 10 minutes.
The Wait in the Get Cool on a 93 Degree Day Ride -- 1 hr. 15 minutes.
Total Time Spent in Restrooms in the Magic Kingdom -- 1 hr. 20 minutes.
Total Time Spent in Freezing Cold Pool at Cheap Hotel -- 27 minutes.
Total Time It Took Hot Mom to Get Freezing Kids Warm Food Following Cold Pool -- 49 minutes.
Total Time It Took Pie and Bubba to Fall Asleep Each Night -- 3 minutes 24 seconds.
Total Time It Took Cool Dad to Lose His Cool at the Happiest Place on Earth -- 1.73 seconds.
Total Time It Took Hot Mom to Sign Us Up for This Torture Again -- .041 seconds.
"I can't wait to do this again," said Hot Mom.
"Kill me, now!" said Cool Dad.
"We don't say 'Kill' in our family," said Bubba and Pie.
"Yeah, Cool Dad!" said College Daughter with her mouth full of churro.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
OOH-RAH
From the Halls of Montezuma,
To the shores of Tripoli;
We fight our country's battles
In the air, on land, and sea;
Growing up my Dad, who served in the Air Force, would sing all of the Armed Forces songs to us, at least the first few lines. Of course making sure that we knew the Air Force song was obviously the best. Even with his memory loss, hearing any of these songs is still bring a great big smile to his face.
Last weekend we were lucky enough to spend the day on the Marine base attending the air show in our town. It made me think of my Dad, I wished he were there. He and my Step-Mom missed it by just one week. Although we had a great time at the camel farm with them the previous weekend (sorry no pics...bad mom, bad mom).
The kids had a great time (except for the 45 minutes getting on base, and the horrible lunch because the bun was touching the hot dog). Cool Dad enjoyed it all (except for the 45 minutes getting OFF the base)and I got some great photos, but I haven't even told you the best part.
Wait for it....
It was FREE (except for lunch)
I am proud to be an American.
I get a little choked up when I see the flag.
I am proud of my Dad who is a Vet.
I appreciate those who serve yesterday, today and tomorrow.
To the shores of Tripoli;
We fight our country's battles
In the air, on land, and sea;
Growing up my Dad, who served in the Air Force, would sing all of the Armed Forces songs to us, at least the first few lines. Of course making sure that we knew the Air Force song was obviously the best. Even with his memory loss, hearing any of these songs is still bring a great big smile to his face.
Last weekend we were lucky enough to spend the day on the Marine base attending the air show in our town. It made me think of my Dad, I wished he were there. He and my Step-Mom missed it by just one week. Although we had a great time at the camel farm with them the previous weekend (sorry no pics...bad mom, bad mom).
The kids had a great time (except for the 45 minutes getting on base, and the horrible lunch because the bun was touching the hot dog). Cool Dad enjoyed it all (except for the 45 minutes getting OFF the base)and I got some great photos, but I haven't even told you the best part.
Wait for it....
It was FREE (except for lunch)
I am proud to be an American.
I get a little choked up when I see the flag.
I am proud of my Dad who is a Vet.
I appreciate those who serve yesterday, today and tomorrow.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Damn Yankees
We have a problem.
Bubba has started Little League.
That isn't the problem.
Upon arriving at our first practice Bubba was informed that he would be playing for the Yankees. He immediately says, "that is stupid, I hate the Yankees." Ok, two words we don't say in our house, but that is for another day. He immediately turns to his dad with a troubled look on his face. Gee, I wonder where he learned to hate the Yankees? Yes, folks Cool Dad is a die hard Dodgers fan. Always has been, always will be. So, while twisting a knife in his heart he gave Bubba a half arm pump and said, "Go Yankees".
Bubba seems to be converted. He was very happy to put on his uniform for the opening ceremonies this morning, and his first game this afternoon.
Since Cool Dad is helping out with the kids I am going to get him a Yankees hat to wear. He is going to LOVE it (pictures to come)!!
Bubba has started Little League.
That isn't the problem.
Upon arriving at our first practice Bubba was informed that he would be playing for the Yankees. He immediately says, "that is stupid, I hate the Yankees." Ok, two words we don't say in our house, but that is for another day. He immediately turns to his dad with a troubled look on his face. Gee, I wonder where he learned to hate the Yankees? Yes, folks Cool Dad is a die hard Dodgers fan. Always has been, always will be. So, while twisting a knife in his heart he gave Bubba a half arm pump and said, "Go Yankees".
Bubba seems to be converted. He was very happy to put on his uniform for the opening ceremonies this morning, and his first game this afternoon.
Since Cool Dad is helping out with the kids I am going to get him a Yankees hat to wear. He is going to LOVE it (pictures to come)!!
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Going to Hades
Today, I stooped to a new low in my parenting.
Let me recap some of my previous lows for comparative purposes.
1. I have kicked my kid out of the van and made him/her stand on the side of the road until he/she started to behave.
2. I have personally called Santa Claus to tell him not to come to our house.
3. I have maintained that there are "little people" who live in the front yard of my parents' house in a ceramic castle.
4. If one of my children is lying, but won't confess the lie, I put both of the children in the dry bathtub fully clothed until they get their story straight or the liar confesses(they have stayed in the tub for many minutes).
5. I have begun counting to three, but spanked at about 2 1/2.
6. I have employed the no-fun bear hug at church.
7. After my eldest child broke up with a boy, I encouraged the boy to go get another date as quickly as possible.
8. I watched Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade with a petrified 5 year-old.
9. I told the kids cucumbers were yucky so I could eat them all myself.
10. My daughter told me that taking her doll was akin to kidnapping. I still took the doll.
Well, today, I may have hit a new low.
The rule is that there is no digging holes in the back yard. Yet, there is a big hole in the back yard and said big hole keeps getting bigger. Well, Hot Mom had a comeapart this evening as the big hole got bigger and an irrigation pipe may have become exposed. When questioned about the big hole in the back yard, the littlest children all claimed ignorance.
"It must have been a ghost," they implored.
"A ghost?"
"Well, we didn't do it."
It was at this point that I employed #4.
"Bathtub! Now!"
"But we didn't do it."
"Now!"
The two children then trudged to the bathroom. The recent showers and baths had rendered that bathtub too wet, so we all went back to Mom and Dad's bathtub.
"In!"
"But Dad..."
In they went. Frowns all around. Following several minutes of discussing and arguing, a brief game of eenie-meenie-miney-mo broke out and I could feel a confession coming on.
Both children then trudged in and I could tell that Bud was not happy.
"Pie eenie-meenie-miney-moed it," he began, almost to cry, "and it ended up on me so I'm supposed to say I did it, but I didn't."
"Pie?"
"Well, I didn't do it so we just eenie-meenie-miney-moed it and Bud lost."
"She cheated!" Bud folded his arms defiantly.
"No, I didn't."
"Yes, you did."
"Back in the tub! Both of you!"
More trudging. More sitting in the bathtub. More debating and discussing. And then a game of Rock-Paper-Scissors broke out. Well, when Scissors unbelievably cuts Rock, I decided to step in once again.
I called the combatants to the bed and sat them at opposite ends.
"Okay, guys...who did it? Who dug that hole and I want an answer right now?"
"Dad, we told you. It must have been a ghost."
"It was no ghost."
It was at this point that Cool Dad got his very serious angry face on and the wheels started to come off the wagon.
"Okay, guys...I know I'm not gonna get any answers tonight, but I'm gonna tell you right now that if it happens again, I will find out who did it and they will be in big trouble."
"How are you gonna find out, Dad?"
"Well...I will take that shovel and I will take it to one of my friends who is a Ranger and knows how to get fingerprints and he'll get the fingerprints off of it and then we'll know which one of you did it. In fact, I might go out there right now."
That's right, folks. I threatened to turn my children over to the authorities by having a shovel dusted for fingerprints. It was not my best moment. I am not proud of it. BUT...
It was at this point that Daddy's bluff began to pay off. Yes, the guilty party might have begun to show some remorse. A crack in the armor.
"I will let the policeman do his job and if it really is a ghost, then the policeman will know, but if its one of you, then there's gonna be big trouble. Does everyone understand?"
They did.
I received a crying confession moments later.
Superdad? No. Crimesolver? Yes!
Let me recap some of my previous lows for comparative purposes.
1. I have kicked my kid out of the van and made him/her stand on the side of the road until he/she started to behave.
2. I have personally called Santa Claus to tell him not to come to our house.
3. I have maintained that there are "little people" who live in the front yard of my parents' house in a ceramic castle.
4. If one of my children is lying, but won't confess the lie, I put both of the children in the dry bathtub fully clothed until they get their story straight or the liar confesses(they have stayed in the tub for many minutes).
5. I have begun counting to three, but spanked at about 2 1/2.
6. I have employed the no-fun bear hug at church.
7. After my eldest child broke up with a boy, I encouraged the boy to go get another date as quickly as possible.
8. I watched Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade with a petrified 5 year-old.
9. I told the kids cucumbers were yucky so I could eat them all myself.
10. My daughter told me that taking her doll was akin to kidnapping. I still took the doll.
Well, today, I may have hit a new low.
The rule is that there is no digging holes in the back yard. Yet, there is a big hole in the back yard and said big hole keeps getting bigger. Well, Hot Mom had a comeapart this evening as the big hole got bigger and an irrigation pipe may have become exposed. When questioned about the big hole in the back yard, the littlest children all claimed ignorance.
"It must have been a ghost," they implored.
"A ghost?"
"Well, we didn't do it."
It was at this point that I employed #4.
"Bathtub! Now!"
"But we didn't do it."
"Now!"
The two children then trudged to the bathroom. The recent showers and baths had rendered that bathtub too wet, so we all went back to Mom and Dad's bathtub.
"In!"
"But Dad..."
In they went. Frowns all around. Following several minutes of discussing and arguing, a brief game of eenie-meenie-miney-mo broke out and I could feel a confession coming on.
Both children then trudged in and I could tell that Bud was not happy.
"Pie eenie-meenie-miney-moed it," he began, almost to cry, "and it ended up on me so I'm supposed to say I did it, but I didn't."
"Pie?"
"Well, I didn't do it so we just eenie-meenie-miney-moed it and Bud lost."
"She cheated!" Bud folded his arms defiantly.
"No, I didn't."
"Yes, you did."
"Back in the tub! Both of you!"
More trudging. More sitting in the bathtub. More debating and discussing. And then a game of Rock-Paper-Scissors broke out. Well, when Scissors unbelievably cuts Rock, I decided to step in once again.
I called the combatants to the bed and sat them at opposite ends.
"Okay, guys...who did it? Who dug that hole and I want an answer right now?"
"Dad, we told you. It must have been a ghost."
"It was no ghost."
It was at this point that Cool Dad got his very serious angry face on and the wheels started to come off the wagon.
"Okay, guys...I know I'm not gonna get any answers tonight, but I'm gonna tell you right now that if it happens again, I will find out who did it and they will be in big trouble."
"How are you gonna find out, Dad?"
"Well...I will take that shovel and I will take it to one of my friends who is a Ranger and knows how to get fingerprints and he'll get the fingerprints off of it and then we'll know which one of you did it. In fact, I might go out there right now."
That's right, folks. I threatened to turn my children over to the authorities by having a shovel dusted for fingerprints. It was not my best moment. I am not proud of it. BUT...
It was at this point that Daddy's bluff began to pay off. Yes, the guilty party might have begun to show some remorse. A crack in the armor.
"I will let the policeman do his job and if it really is a ghost, then the policeman will know, but if its one of you, then there's gonna be big trouble. Does everyone understand?"
They did.
I received a crying confession moments later.
Superdad? No. Crimesolver? Yes!
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