Today, I stooped to a new low in my parenting.
Let me recap some of my previous lows for comparative purposes.
1. I have kicked my kid out of the van and made him/her stand on the side of the road until he/she started to behave.
2. I have personally called Santa Claus to tell him not to come to our house.
3. I have maintained that there are "little people" who live in the front yard of my parents' house in a ceramic castle.
4. If one of my children is lying, but won't confess the lie, I put both of the children in the dry bathtub fully clothed until they get their story straight or the liar confesses(they have stayed in the tub for many minutes).
5. I have begun counting to three, but spanked at about 2 1/2.
6. I have employed the no-fun bear hug at church.
7. After my eldest child broke up with a boy, I encouraged the boy to go get another date as quickly as possible.
8. I watched Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade with a petrified 5 year-old.
9. I told the kids cucumbers were yucky so I could eat them all myself.
10. My daughter told me that taking her doll was akin to kidnapping. I still took the doll.
Well, today, I may have hit a new low.
The rule is that there is no digging holes in the back yard. Yet, there is a big hole in the back yard and said big hole keeps getting bigger. Well, Hot Mom had a comeapart this evening as the big hole got bigger and an irrigation pipe may have become exposed. When questioned about the big hole in the back yard, the littlest children all claimed ignorance.
"It must have been a ghost," they implored.
"A ghost?"
"Well, we didn't do it."
It was at this point that I employed #4.
"Bathtub! Now!"
"But we didn't do it."
"Now!"
The two children then trudged to the bathroom. The recent showers and baths had rendered that bathtub too wet, so we all went back to Mom and Dad's bathtub.
"In!"
"But Dad..."
In they went. Frowns all around. Following several minutes of discussing and arguing, a brief game of eenie-meenie-miney-mo broke out and I could feel a confession coming on.
Both children then trudged in and I could tell that Bud was not happy.
"Pie eenie-meenie-miney-moed it," he began, almost to cry, "and it ended up on me so I'm supposed to say I did it, but I didn't."
"Pie?"
"Well, I didn't do it so we just eenie-meenie-miney-moed it and Bud lost."
"She cheated!" Bud folded his arms defiantly.
"No, I didn't."
"Yes, you did."
"Back in the tub! Both of you!"
More trudging. More sitting in the bathtub. More debating and discussing. And then a game of Rock-Paper-Scissors broke out. Well, when Scissors unbelievably cuts Rock, I decided to step in once again.
I called the combatants to the bed and sat them at opposite ends.
"Okay, guys...who did it? Who dug that hole and I want an answer right now?"
"Dad, we told you. It must have been a ghost."
"It was no ghost."
It was at this point that Cool Dad got his very serious angry face on and the wheels started to come off the wagon.
"Okay, guys...I know I'm not gonna get any answers tonight, but I'm gonna tell you right now that if it happens again, I will find out who did it and they will be in big trouble."
"How are you gonna find out, Dad?"
"Well...I will take that shovel and I will take it to one of my friends who is a Ranger and knows how to get fingerprints and he'll get the fingerprints off of it and then we'll know which one of you did it. In fact, I might go out there right now."
That's right, folks. I threatened to turn my children over to the authorities by having a shovel dusted for fingerprints. It was not my best moment. I am not proud of it. BUT...
It was at this point that Daddy's bluff began to pay off. Yes, the guilty party might have begun to show some remorse. A crack in the armor.
"I will let the policeman do his job and if it really is a ghost, then the policeman will know, but if its one of you, then there's gonna be big trouble. Does everyone understand?"
They did.
I received a crying confession moments later.
Superdad? No. Crimesolver? Yes!
