Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Talk Radio...Not So Much

I know people may think we are odd (even more so now) but we don't have cable or Dish Network. The television in our house currently gets four channels. Five if someone stands on one foot and holds onto the antenna. One of the channels is PBS, which my kids can watch on Friday afternoons, and weekends. Two are Spanish channels (Cool Dad watches alot of soccer in Spanish), and NBC and ABC. That is it folks, which leads us to today's post. To help alleviate some of his pain Cool Dad likes to listen to Sports Talk Radio, which I really really hate (and we don't even use that word in our family).

This takes us to last weekend. Cool Dad has been in a TV coma. We were at his parents for a few nights, and then at a hotel. He practically had the remote super glued to his hand. I understand that he is a sports junkie and he had to give up ESPN for us to become a non-connected family, but he did it, and I am glad. However, the downside is, when said sports junkie comes in contact ESPN again it turns ugly, I mean , it really isn't pretty folks. I knew that Cool Dad would watch ESPN non-stop, and I was prepared for that. What I was not prepared for is the fact that Cool Dad was WATCHING talk radio on TV. THAT IS SO WRONG. That is like triple wrong. Talk Sports Radio is bad on the radio, it is a nightmare on TV. I admit I happy to get back to our boring, low entertainment life where we look forward to watching last night's episodes today on Hulu.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

My Son is a Pyro

It was inevitable.

His father is a pyromaniac. His uncles are all pyromaniacs. His cousins, his grandfathers, his friends...all pyromaniacs!

This past week we attended a Christmas bonfire with our church group and it wasn't long before MY child was lofting, heaving, throwing, kicking and shooting branches of trees, twigs of creosote bushes, dirty paper plates, napkins, plastic cups and all kinds of flammable (and occasionally inflammable) items into the heart of the bonfire.

He was tireless.

I digress for a moment to inform you that Bud has a little girlfriend. They are inseparable. They go everywhere together, they share candy, they are a little dating pair and if you didn't know they were only five years old, you'd think they were a legit little couple.

Well, this little girl was there and they were flirting...until the bonfire was ignited (thanks to some well-placed Boy Scout Liquid Tinder). It took Bud about 0.7 seconds to dump the chick and loft his first stick into the licking flames.

I am a proud papa.

Friday, December 10, 2010

All I Want For Christmas is...

Something bad has happened. I mean something really, really terrible. MY BABY LOST HIS FIRST TOOTH! How did this happen? He is just a BABY. Babies don't lose teeth. He shouldn't be losing teeth for another 10-15 years, maybe longer. I admit it, I cried. I hate to see my kids grow up. I feel like he will be leaving me soon for college, and then this blog will be about College Daughter, College Daughter, College Son and two lonely parents.

I know that my days of hugs and snuggles from him are numbered too. Which is really depressing because he has been my only snuggly baby. Pie does not like to be touched (I am quoting her here), and College Daughter was not teribly snuggly as a baby, but she has no problem plopping herself down on my lap when she comes home for weekends (did I mention she is taller than me?).

On a happier note. He is absolutely over the moon happy that he can walk around singing, "All I Want for Christmas is my one front teeth." Trust me, I know what that says, but logically he can't ask for two, he only needs one, and the song says teeth not tooth. I hope you are visualizing this all with him singing at the top of his lungs because the boy does not have a down volume button...I have looked.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

USS Midway

I know it is a little lame to be posting about Thanksgiving on December 7th, but you people know us, and realize our lameness so you shouldn't be surprised (Cool Dad would prefer we try to hide our lameness, but I told him it is useless).

We had a great Thanksgiving and we were fortunate enough to have my Dad and Step-mom join us from Nevada. We had a traditional dinner which actually will surprise a few people who know this is not my favorite meal, and I would be just as happy having pizza. The day was filled with lots of food, puzzles and naps. Not much football since our TV reception is not great, and believe it or not, I didn't even take a single picture.

On Friday we decided to take a day trip to San Diego to tour the USS Midway. If you remember this post we talked about how we wanted to tour the carrier. It was awesome. I loved it. Cool Dad is always surprised at the things I find fascinating, but it really was cool. Really people have you truly lived until you have sat in the pilot's seat of a jet fighter?

Most of the docents were men who have served on carriers a few of them had even served on the USS Midway. They had pilots giving talks on carrier landings and taking off. They also had a pilot in the pilot ready room who had some fascinating stories of his adventures.

There were quite a few planes and helicopters on board. Bubba was fascinated by all of them, and was actually disappointed they were not taking off and landing. This picture has "the island" in the background which is basically a control tower for aircraft, and also the bridge.

It took us just over four hours to tour the whole thing. Admission is a tad pricey (sorry to those of you who thought I was posting another free activity). Plan to go early in the day, it seemed to get busier in the afternoon (hour wait to get up to the island-we went right up).

It was a great day to spend with family, and learn a little something too about the sacrifices that men and women make for our country each and every day. I am proud that my dad is a Veteran, and although he has trouble remembering things these days he still remembers that he served his country in the Air Force. The day will be a great memory for my kids.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

My Contribution to the Marriage

I do little. Precious little. Around here I feel as though I am a big bump on an otherwise insignificant log. However, I have contributed to my marriage in various ways. Here, let me count the ways.

1. I introduced plastic cups. Yep, until I arrived Hot Mom and College Daughter were glass people. With my introduction of plastic cups, we have no doubt avoided numerous glass dropping disasters and I have singlehandedly saved numerous grains of sand that would have otherwise become glass.

2. I introduced a toenail clipping ban in bed. Hot Mom is a bedridden toenail clipper. I think everyone is now much safer.

3. I introduced proper toilet roll installation. Over the top, people...over the top.

4. I am responsible for bringing spices into the house. Apparently, Hot Mom grew up in a bland household. No garlic. No salt. No pepper. No cumin, chili powder, sesame seed, mace, coriander or Beau Monde. I, however, am full of spice. Hot Mom also mentions that I am full of quite a different thing, but...I digress.

5. I contributed some X chromosomes. On occasion they were thwarted (see Pie), but they eventually got through (see Bud) and we are happy for it.

6. I brought Stake Conference attendance. Stake Conference was formerly known as a "Day Off from Church".

7. I am responsible for the Maps. They are everywhere and they are glorious. Hot Mom even finds herself using them, referring to them, marking them, etc. College Daughter loves them and even Pie and Bud are getting use to them being everywhere.

8. I brought the Heat Wavers post office pictures.

9. I am trying to think of something for Number 9, but I think we might want to skip it for now. I'll get back to you on this one.

10. Oooooh, oooooh, I also brought "Snickers" into the daily lexicon of the family. For instance, Hot Mom will say, "How can we get Cool Dad to shush up?" and the kids will say, "Snickers!"

There you have it people. I am surprised I came up with ten. I am really all that and a bag of chips.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Disaster Averted...Kinda

The following was heard emanating from the back of the minivan this morning.

"Buddy and Silvia sitting in a tree..."

I listened closely as it was Buddy who was singing. Pie was coaching, but Buddy was the prime mover and I was curious as to whom might be seated in the tree next to him.


Apparently Bud is not familiar with the finer points of the song so it was at this point both Hot Mom and myself did a bit of parental editing.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, Bud!" began Hot Mom while gasping for air and looking around to make sure nobody from any neighboring cars were listening in. "It's K-I-S-S-I-N-G! With a K at the beginning."

"A K? Not a P?"

"Nope, definitely a K, Bud," clarified Hot Mom.

"Yeah, Bud," I began, "if you use a P instead of a K then you are saying that you and Silvia are..."

A backhand volley to the side of my head from Hot Mom.

"What were you saying, Daddy?"

"Ummm...nothing Bud. Just start with a K."

Disaster averted.

Friday, December 3, 2010

A few weeks ago we attended our city's balloon festival. It is the second year we have been lucky enough to go. Last year we were on a "let's take a look at this city because we might have a job there" trip and we just lucked into it. This year we had been looking forward to it for weeks. Bright and early Saturday morning we headed to the park. The launch was a little delayed due to weather, but it was well worth the wait just to see how excited my kids were. You would have thought they were blowing the balloons up themselves. Because of wind they didn't stay up long but it was still worth the early morning trip.

Later that night we ventured to the baseball stadium for the balloon glow. My kids love to wander around the park where the balloon pilots give out stickers, candy, and flashing glow in the dark rings. It was a second annual success for the Heat Wavers especially since the only cost for both activities...four cans of food for the local food bank. I really should change the name of this blog to free/cheap things to do in my city.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Let's Just Pretend it is Still November

I have been reminded by a few people that we still do have a couple of readers, and they are not enjoying the blogging break we have been taking. Sorry, we will try to be better. I have quite a few posts about the Balloon Festival, Thanksgiving, San Diego etc. but they will all have to wait. Until then you get to see my beautiful grown up girl.

I snapped this on the way to school the other day. I couldn't believe how grown up she looked. She received birthday money and decided to spend them on these cute boots. She loves them and wants to wear them every day(did I mention it will be 75 degrees today?).

Bubba is also doing his best to keep up with the holiday decorating. There is a stake in our front yard. He has attached a scarecrow to it because, "It just isn't Thanksgiving without a scarecrow". It is good to know what has been missing from thanksgiving all these years.

Happy December everyone. Christmas is just around the corner, and if you don't believe me you can ask my niece Lou who is still texting me with the number of "sleeps" until Christmas, or my nephew Tank who has an app which he uses to post the number of days, or the number of hours, or the number of seconds to facebook.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

The Popeye Guy

I toodle along, minding my own business, rocking out to the Hannah Montana that inevitably finds its way in to the CD player of my 1997 Honda CRV affectionately known as "Arkie" when a peculiar sight passes in front of me.

I say peculiar because I know of no other appropriate adjective. Odd? Horrific? Predictable? Disconcerting? Maybe...but peculiar sums it up.

Let me digress for a moment. I am a forty-something behemoth who listens to Hannah Montana in a Honda CRV. I am in no position to make rash judgments or point out the flaws of others, but I feel a certain civic duty to let the people of the world know what is out there...what threatens the hallmarks of sanity and civility in our good land. With this disclaimer, I continue.

He passes. I take a look-see. I blink. I evaluate things. I blink again and reevaluate. I take it all in and find that I have quit breathing. I remind myself to breathe and then I aspirate a wry, little chuckle. I look around to make sure I am not the only person to have seen what I just saw. Nobody else seems particularly aghast. I check my rear view mirror. Nope, he was real enough.

I do a quick recounting in my head. Big Harley-Davidson Hog--CHECK. 35-45 years old--CHECK. 350 lbs.--CHECK. Popeye meets Darkwing Duck sailor outfit--CHECK. Dark black zip-up hoodie with skeleton-like ribs silk-screened on to the front--CHECK. Creepy handlebar moustache--CHECK. Cuban cigar the size of a huge pork sausage hanging out of mouth--CHECK.

That is all. Just thought you all should know.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Overheard at Discount Tires

The last thing I want to do after working all day would be to head off to the tire store especially with two children yelling that they didn't want to go to the tire store, and really I understand. I mean, WHO DOES? I can think of a lot of fun ways to spend $350 and none of them include buying tires, but alas, I love the benefit of a vehicle to move me from points A, B, C, and D so tires become a necessity.

While waiting, still with two small children, we have A LOT of time on our hands to check out our surroundings. Bubba, is just starting to read, and sounds out everything. As he looks next door he asks, "What does KFC spell?" I tell him that it stands for Kentucky Fried Chicken.

He thinks for a few minutes, and says, "I will probably need some of that when I am in my Kentucky race."

I look at him and say, "You mean the Kentucky Derby?" It is a good thing the lady sitting next to him was not drinking a soda. She would have spit it all over us.

Some of you newer folks did not read an old post in our previous blog life where we discussed summer day camp options for children. Bubba ended up not attending a camp because we couldn't find a jockey camp...I say that like we actually tried. Well, lest you think he has given up on the dream of becoming a jockey he has not. Not only has he not given up on the dream, he has some fairly lofty goals for himself.

As far as today's conversation goes, I was actually happy he didn't talk about being a horse in the Kentucky Derby because a lot of the time he thinks it would be cooler to grow up and be the winning horse, not just the jockey. I really don't think the lady at the tire store could have handled that one.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Good Times

I had a great post for last Saturday. Unfortunately, it was a long week so you are just getting it today.

Once again the Heat Wavers stumbled onto a free great kids activity. Our town held it's annual kids art fair. We spent two hours wandering from booth to booth, and made some awesome crafts. Pie and Bubba did a little weaving, made hats out of paper bags at the Mad Hatter booth. They decorated swim caps, made sports pennants, bracelets, hand prints and the list goes on. Did I mention it was all free!!! Imagine how dangerous we could be if we actually knew about all of the great activities our new town has to offer instead of just happening upon them. I think I better subscribe to the newspaper so we can be more informed.

One event we happened to find last year when we were checking out the area is the Balloon Festival. This year's balloon festival is coming up this weekend we are so excited. It should be beautiful weather.

In other exciting news. Bubba had a school project that was for our whole family. Don't you just LOVE those?? He came home with a turkey. The instructions were to create a disguise for the turkey to help his get through Thanksgiving unharmed.

So what do the Heat Wavers do to disguise their turkey?

Yep! Indiana Jones Turkey

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

101 Uses for Scotch Tape

All of my children are quite creative, and would much rather color, cut, paste, glue, tape, paint, use chalk, or play-doh than anything else. I don't even know why we buy them toys. Actually we really don't buy them toys anymore. They each usually get a ream of paper, a three pack of scotch tape and new crayons for their birthday and Christmas. I know that seems a little odd, but believe me they are happy. Plus, when it is your OWN scotch tape there aren't rules about how much you can use on one project.

All of this brings us to this week's project. Bubba has been making three legged dragons. Why three legs???? I don't know, and I don't really want to ask. Now keep in mind these are not tiny little dragons. Each of the three legs are about 11 inches long with bodies to match. They are all over my house. What in the world do you do with a house full of dragons? More importantly, what do you call them...a herd, a gaggle, a pride, a crash, a mob, a litter, a pack? Seriously, I have no idea!

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Shirt Happens

On Christmas Eve, the Heat Wavers all get new Jammies. This tradition is anxiously awaited by all the parties involved. I, too, even enjoy it. Its fun.

I don't wear the traditional PJs with the feet and the torture-inducing flannel, but I still manage to get some new sports shorts or a new t-shirt on Christmas Eve and the kids anxiously wait for me to wear my Jammies out in public. So I wear a t-shirt to bed and out to work. Big deal.

So this year, Hot Mom is going to get me a new t-shirt for my Christmas Eve Jammies. The conversation went something like this.

"I'm going to get you a t-shirt for Christmas Eve this year if that's okay,"

"Yeah, that sounds good."

"Do you want a specific color?"

"Ummm...you're not gonna get mad at me or anything are you?"


"Well, I kinda want ya to buy me a t-shirt with something on it this year."

"Something on it?"

"Yeah, like a design or some words or something...anything...on it."

"You want a design?"

"Yeah, I own 16 t-shirts. And every one of the t-shirts is a solid color."

"I doubt that."

Trip to closet confirms presence of 16 t-shirts with nothing on them. Two browns, two tans, two reds, two greens, a light-blue, a rust-colored, three grays, a dark blue, and a white. No stripes, no polka dots, no paisleys, no words, no character, no fun, no design...just solid t-shirts from the Big and Tall section of the Boring Store.

"So you're saying, I buy you boring clothes?"


"So you're saying you'd rather buy your own clothes from now on because your wife dresses you like a big dud?"


"So I'm not a good wife?"

"Umm...I love you?"

"Hmmmmph, well lookie here! Walmart is having a sale on Sesame Street-inspired t-shirts. There's a Big Bird for $5 and a Bert and Ernie for $7.50. Aaaaaannnnnddddd they have them in Triple X. This is gonna be a lot more fun than I thought."


Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Happy Halloween...On November 3rd

I realize it is November, but we can't go forward until we have the Halloween post, so here it is.

It was a bit of a let down at school on Friday for Bubba. For two years he has watched his sister march in the costume parade at her old school. Finally, it was his turn. Then I had to break the bad news to him. Not only does our new school not have a costume parade, you don't even get to wear your costume to school. I might as well have killed him. Soooooo unfair. I really think that is what kicked off the weekend of temper tantrum. But alas, he did finally get to wear his costume, and he got to show off his dad wearing the costume he made for him.

Sorry about the pics, but considering we took these after the Halloween party I was in charge of, I am pretty happy we have anything to document the night.

There are also hands that go with Cool Dad's costume, but since the costume is attached with safety pins he got a little uptight at the thought of putting the hands on...my bad, I forgot the tape.

Pie was happy to be a witch. I have wanted her to be a witch for years, and finally she agreed. Her only stipulation was to be a happy witch. She spent more time sweeping with the broom than anything else. Her costume came straight off the rack, throw in some glow in the dark tights, and you are good to go.

Bubba's costume was a bit more of a pain. He decided he wanted to be a knight. the only knight costume I could find was $30. Anybody who knows me, knows there is no way I am going to spend that kind of money on a Halloween costume. Especially not when I can just throw one together. What kind of friends are you?? I say that every year, and every year I SWEAR I will never make another costume, and every year you let me. Seriously people, next year, plan an intervention. Not only did I spend more than $30 on supplies. I can't even begin to count the hours. However, the results are pretty cute (I mean awesome because knights are NOT cute).

Bubba is already planning his costume for next year. I think he is trying to figure out a way to incorporate his bow and arrows. Oh, and did I mention he was a crazy child all weekend? Tomorrow the story about how he drove me over the edge and I created the point system.

Saturday, October 30, 2010


As a parent, I am wholly dysfunctional. I am not always consistent. I probably don't spend enough quality time with my children. I yell at times. I get frustrated. But one thing I know...

When Bud screams at the top of his lungs, "GIVE ME CHOCOLATE MILK!" for 22 minutes in a row, he does not in fact get said chocolate milk.

Instead...he gets 22 minutes in the time-out chair in the middle of the living room. The volume of his pleas gets progressively louder and louder, but for some reason he doesn't get the milk and he doesn't get to leave the time-out chair.

Meanwhile, devious older child, Pie, sits like an angelic princess full of "Pleases" and "Thank yous".

It is really amazing how sickeningly sweet Pie can behave when she doesn't have to compete with Bud's normal good nature. It is the teeter-totter effect. Neither one of them can be on the high ground without driving the other to devastating depths and vice-a-versa.

Funny, really. Or really annoying on a Saturday morning.


Wednesday, October 27, 2010


So Pie has a problem biting her nails and putting her fingers in her mouth when she gets nervous and...well...any other time. So...tonight we may have put the thumb-sucking, nail-biting, vomit-inducing cure all on her fingers while she was asleep in an attempt to break her of the habit.

It drives us nuts.

She claims she doesn't do it.

We shall see.

I am betting on a complete and utter come-apart at about 7:15 tomorrow morning.

Good times...good times...

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Monsters and Pumpkins and Costumes...Oh My

I am fully willing to admit that I do NOT like messes. Many things are on the NO WAY list because, let's face it they are just plain messy. Gak-NO WAY; Silly Putty-NO WAY; mud pies-NO WAY; Easter Egg coloring-Only when I celebrate with my sister and she forces me; Pumpkin Carving-I would really rather not. However, the haunting season is upon us, and all Pie could talk about is how she wished her class this year would carve pumpkins and count the seeds again, because that was SO AWESOME. Poor Bubba has no recollection of ever carving a pumpkin. Based on this it is quite obvious we are bad parents.

Time to turn this boat around. (Sorry college girl, that it is too late for you. I admit there were MANY years where we just painted our pumpkins. Oh the years of therapy I am going to be paying for.)

To start the party off I cut black plastic bags apart, and lined the entire dining room floor to ceiling. Then we had a mini class on the do's and dont's of pumpkin carving, hand washing, and NOT shaking your hands while covered in goo. Once they signed their cleanliness contracts we were all set to begin.

A good time was had by most of the participants. You can see by Cool Dad's expression why he never really forced the no pumpkin carving ban.

Luckily Pie was a master at gutting the pumpkin and I didn't have to participate too much.

In addition to Monday's great carving activity, I am also busy planning Trunk or Treat, and sewing Bubba's costume. I know, what was I thinking. What can I say there were not any cute Knight costumes in the stores.

He thinks he might die before I finish it (I think I might die before I finish it), and every night he has been hovering over me checking my progress. It is true that most of my sewing has to happen after bedtime, and honestly, I should be sewing right now, not blogging. He is also very concerned about what Cool Dad and I will be for Halloween. I am going as a crazed housewife this year.

Cool Dad couldn't come up with a good costume. I mean what could really beat last year's costume when he wrote "book" on his "face".

Luckily Bubba has come to his rescue. He has made his dad a costume. We think it is pretty good. I just need to find Cool Dad a black shirt to go with his black pants and I can pin this awesome costume on him. Pretty clever, don't you think??

Sunday, October 24, 2010

It's All Fun and Games Until Somebody Gets SHOT!

By way of a happy accident we stumbled onto a great Saturday activity. Pie was supposed to attend cheer camp, but it was canceled (thanks for calling us cheerleaders). The boys had planned to go to a great park with a huge castle playground. Since our plans were canceled we decided to join them.

Once we arrived at the playground we noticed there were a ton of cars and we almost ran the other direction. Luckily we didn't. Fish and Game, Forrest Service, and BLM put together some great outdoor activities; including fishing, archery, shooting, panning for gold, and learning about the outdoors. You would think that since once of these agencies is our bread and butter we would actually know about this, but no, we had to stumble onto it accidentally. No matter, we still had a great time.

Bubba LOVED the archery. So much so that he came home and made his own bow and arrow. Excuse the mini camera phone picture.

His bow and arrow actually work. He can shoot the arrows about 10-12 feet. I finally had to take it away when he got so good that it became a serious weapon. He was not happy, and complained that, "Indian moms didn't take their bows and arrows". Well I bet they did if they almost shot their sister's eye out!!

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Bud Zinger

Hot Mom and I attended Parent-Teacher Conferences yesterday and had a wonderful time. Both Bud and Pie are doing great and they are both "exceeding" expectations in their respective classes. We had worried about Pie as she is a worry-wort and does not do good with change, but it appears as though she is figuring things out and excelling at everything. Her reading scores are VERY high and her math scores are equally as high. We have some work to do on her writing, but she is doing great. We are very proud.

As for Bud...

His teacher confirmed that when she is feeling down, she just goes and sits next to Bud in class and he cheers her up. She couldn't quit talking about what a funny, smart, and interesting kid he is. She related the following:

The kids in the class were asked to make over-sized paper people as one of their tasks for kindergarten. They did this by making a head and attaching it to a body and then making arms and legs and attaching them to the body with glue. All went well, except during transport to the brag board in the hallway, several of the "big" people fell to the floor and their heads or arms or legs fell off.

The teacher needed help so she called to the children whose people had fallen (one of which was Bud).

"Hey, you guys, the heads on your people popped off in the hallway and I need your help to reattach them."

Bud thought about it for a second.

"Miss M," he began, "I don't think my insurance will cover that."

He is now her favorite.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

That is One Stubborn Girl

One of my children is a little stubborn. I hate to say which one, so I won't, but most of will know.

She is a master a making her point, and if she says she is going to do something she rarely backs down. Sometime she compromises, but on her own terms.

Case in point: Yesterday, she was mad about how much homework she had. Since it is early out Bubba doesn't have homework this week and she does. She is also the child who is highly against things that are unfair (that she gets from her older sister), but that is a different post. So, her answer to unfair amounts of homework...she announced that she would not be sleeping in her bed, and no matter what I said she would never change her mind. Ok, I can't really see the correlation between homework and not sleeping in your bed, but whatever floats your boat.

Finally after two long and painful hours we completed home work that should have taken 30 minutes tops, and we were able to continue on with our night. Fast forward to bedtime and she announces once again that she will not be sleeping in her bed. What?? This again? Whatever girl, you are going to bed, I don't care where you sleep.

So, just to prove her point. She slept on the floor of her room. NOT in her bed.

This is most certainly a Cool Dad trait.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Happy Birthday to our Pumpkin Pie

I know, I know. We are only a few months into this blog and already we are slackers. I better catch up with some October events.

At the beginning of the month we celebrated Pie's 8th birthday. She is our October baby and has always been our "Pumpkin Pie". She loves that her birthday is in October. It is her favorite month. She happily took Halloween cookies to her class. We were lucky enough to spend her birthday in Julian, CA at Apple Days. We even had some family from LA come down and meet us. She was thrilled.

Last weekend we headed to the old stomping grounds. We wanted to baptize Pie with family around. It was a wonderful weekend, and Pie was thrilled to wear the beautiful dress that her Grandma made her. I had hoped to get her out and take some good pictures, but it has been a busy week, so this is the only picture I have.

On Sunday we had a great family Fiesta, complete with Pinatas. The kids had a great time, and by kids I mean college daughter's friends who came with her for the weekend. The pinatas and wiggle cars were a bit hit. There was only one small pinata incident, but my sister doesn't want me to talk about it here. She is concerned about OSHA pulling her license.

It was a great way to spend a weekend. Even with all of the fun and cousin time we were happy to come home. It would have been nice to come home to cooler weather, but still happy to be home.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Clothing: 101

Sorry that we have been such blog slackers. I know that both of the people that read our blog have been checking it every hour on the hour, and we have continued to disappoint them. Sorry.

We have had a birthday and a few other things going on that I will blog about later, but right now I need to address the current issue at hand.

As you may have heard we have moved south. What do you get when you go south, warmer weather. You all know that when I say warmer, I mean hotter than McDonalds coffee. I had hoped that as fall rolled around it would start to cool down. I had especially hoped that when the RV's started rolling in they would bring some cooler weather with them. No such luck.

I do understand the whole older folks following a more temperate climate, what I don't understand is why they come here when it is still 140 degrees. Which leads us to today lesson:

Clothing 101:

Women should always wear a bra, it might even be more important when you are 80.

Nobody over age of 19 should wear Daisy Dukes. That is 19, not 91.

Tube tops do not look good on anyone.

Hey old guys, put sun screen on those bald heads. That sunburn looks like it REALLY hurts.

Brown socks and sandals, not only ugly, but also HOT.

Men's shirts should always be long enough to tuck into their pants.

Wife beaters...not so much.

Test next week.

Monday, September 27, 2010

The Exterminator Strikes Again

Hot Mom spots a cricket in house.

Hot Mom rushes to get vacuum.

Hot Mom attempts to suck said cricket in to said vacuum with hose attachment.

Hilarity ensues.

Let me digress for a brief moment to set the appropriate scene. Hot Mom is mortified of all creepy-crawlies and generally leaves that job for Cool Dad. Generally speaking, Cool Dad and Bubba are professionals at eliminating creepy-crawlies. We don't mind the tough hours and the on-call status, but for some unknown reason, tonight, Hot Mom flew solo.

It began with a brief but well-executed "Ooh" followed by another "Ooh" and then an "Ooh, ooh!" Then silence.

I was mildly curious about the "Oohs" but not curious enough at this early stage to get off my fat backside and investigate.

A few moments later, the sound of a vacuum emanated from the family room followed by another high pitched "Ooh". Then a quick "Ooh! Ahh! Ooh!"

What the crap! Was she dancing on hot coals or something?

"Ooh! Ooh-ooh-ooh! No! Oh, no! Ooh!"

I panicked. I ran in expecting...what? I couldn't even imagine the scene I would encounter.

I arrived to see this:

Hot Mom in a cold sweat holding the vacuum hose attachment like some meth-addicted Darth Vader with a light saber, parrying it in to the carpet with wild abandon while shrieking like a crazed Banshee.

"Ooh! Ooh, ooh!"

I nearly fell over. At that exact moment, Hot Mom plunged her weapon in to the carpet with singular focus and...

...the vacuum came unplugged and the cricket jumped away.


Pie looked at her Mom like she was a cross between June Cleaver and Linda Blair and quickly plugged in the vacuum.

"Ooh! Ooh...ooh...ooh...oh, look, got him! Whew!"

Good times.

Good times.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Santa Claus is Coming to Town

I have a sweet niece. We will call her Lou. Lou has started texting me on a regular basis and informing me of the number of days until Christmas. You might be asking why she does this. Well, the first reason is she and her Mom are fanatics about Christmas. I am willing to bet that they have already started listening to Christmas music this year. Some years they don't ever stop. It is not unheard of to go to their house and hear Christmas music at Easter. The second reason is that she knows it drives me crazy.

I love Christmas just as much as the next person, but I am an organized freak. I used to think I was a failure if I was not done with my Christmas shopping by Thanksgiving. I have since given that up to the chaos that is my life. However, that does not mean I am any less stressed when the text comes in telling me there are only 89 days until Christmas.

After the text came in the other day I decided I better get busy, and start asking the kids what they want for Christmas.

Here is Bubba's list:

race car
jet pack
reindeer with butterflies shooting out of his antlers
new shirt and tie for church

I really don't want to think about how many days until Christmas. It is giving me a headache.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Giving Blood: The Experience

"Have you had sex with twins hanging from the rafters of a medieval church within the last three years?"


"Have you experienced malarial symptoms in European countries while tying your shoes?"


"Do you feel well enough to eject blood from a perforated vein while squeezing a sawed off piece of PVC pipe while looking at a 200-pound Hispanic woman sipping on an Icee?"


"Very well, Cool Dad. Come over here and sit in this aluminum lawn chair while Dana jabs a needle in to you arm at least seven times before calling for her supervisor."

"Can I have something to eat?"

"After you are done, you may have all of the shortbread cookies, Juicy Juice, and trail mix you can stuff in your ample craw, but now you have to sit down here and squeeze the PVC pipe while we conveniently forget that you are the only blood donor at our station."

"So how often can I do this?"

"Oh, once every eight weeks whether you want to or not. Now that we have your phone number we will never let you forget the great service you are sure to provide for the rest of your life."

"Ummmm...my pleasure?"

"No, sir, its my pleasure. Now this may hurt just a little."

"A little?"


Monday, September 20, 2010

The Big Bang

What do you get when you take one of these?

Add it to one of these?

Don't forget one of these?

What do you get?
A loud bang, and one of these!!

His fingers were a little black, and he was a little startled, but otherwise ok.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

He Did It!!!

Cool Dad is never one to disappoint his fans, and he didn't on Friday night. I say fans, but I am not sure who that really includes. As he was preparing for the dive our fourteen year old babysitter and her friend we standing behind me begging him not to do "it". What is "it" you ask? DISROBE!!

Exhibit A

Yep, Cool Dad stepped up to the diving board clad in my robe. (Please forgive the picture quality. One of my lenses is giving me huge fits on auto focus, and of course that is the lens I had on the camera, and I didn't have a chance to change it.)

What comes after exhibit A? Exhibit B of course.

Ok, by now you are wondering, how did he pull it off? How did he jump, clad in a Speedo no less??

Apparently he just needed the very clever Hot Mom to come to his rescue.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010


As many of you know, I am a Mormon. No, I am not on a television ad nor do I have multiple wives (I can't handle even one), but I go to Church and participate on a regular basis and enjoy the sense of community and common faith.

Well, in the Mormon Church, members often participate by either teaching a lesson, offering prayers, leading group discussions or giving talks. Generally speaking, every member has a "calling" or a responsibility to fulfill in order for the congregation to function. In our congregation, Hot Mom and I are in charge of the "Activities Committee". That means we plan the Christmas Party, the Halloween Party, the Winter Social and about a dozen other functions. We cater the food, we decorate the facilities and we do the publicity for the event (i. e. we publish a flier and distribute it on Sundays and call everyone to remind them of what they should bring)

So...this month, we are planning the "Back-to-School Luau". Pulled pork, sticky rice, fruit, green jello and red Kool-Aid. All the Luau fixings you can imagine. Hot Mom is planning up a storm. She even considered having a pinata shaped like a palm tree (cause nothing says "Luau" like a pinata). It will be outstanding and I'm pretty sure that everyone will love it.

Anywho...I am in charge of promotion. To promote this event I volunteered (with tongue firmly in cheek) that I would be conducting a cliff-diving exhibition as part of the ceremonies. Now I said this in a Sunday School class hoping to get a laugh and hoping to encourage some folks to attend who wouldn't normally think a Luau would be fun, but apparently my innocent albeit idiotic quip has taken on a life of its own.

I don't know that anyone is really expecting a cliff-diving exhibition, but from the pulpit this past Sunday, the Bishop announced the Luau, informed everyone of the cliff-diving exhibition, AND mentioned that I would be sporting a SPEEDO. A SPEEDO! 265 lbs. of archaeological goodness clad in a SPEEDO! He said this from the pulpit!

I want to reiterate this: The Bishop mentioned FROM THE PULPIT that I, Cool Dad, will be wearing bum floss and jumping off cliffs this Friday at 6:00 PM.

I am curious if more people or less people will show up given that information. I guess we'll find out on Friday. Does anyone have a Speedo I can borrow?

Sunday, September 12, 2010

You are Going to Crack Your Head Open

Bubba is a rocker. Every chair/stool he sits on immediately goes to two or three legs, but never four. It is literally impossible for him to sit still, and even more impossible for him not to tip his chair.

I must tell him at least a million times a day to keep all four legs on the floor or he is going to crack his head open. Does it help? No, it doesn't, but I keep saying it over and over again.

Yesterday it happened again. The chair went out from under him and he crashed to the floor. The absolute one and only thing good about carpet in the dining room instead of tile is that it didn't really hurt him. That does not mean he didn't wail and moan for a few minutes.

Me being the great mom that I am said, "I told you if you didn't quit rocking on that stool it was going to fall and you were going to crack your head."

So tell me, what kind of parent are you? Do you rush to their side with loads of gushy love, or do you say, "I told you so"?

Friday, September 10, 2010

Weekend Drive

I am currently in hot water with Cool Dad because we have been home from our Labor Day getaway for a few days not and I have not posted a thing.

Can you guess??

Drumroll please.......

We went to Tucson!!!!!

With our new residence we have a whole new area in which to spend three day weekends. We decided Tucson would be a great place to visit. We did quite a bit of research on the Tucson City website, which is one of the best city sites I have seen for visitors.

Here are some pics to show some of the beautiful things about Tucson.

There is a beautiful place downtown where they are restoring the old adobe houses. The colors were amazing.

It was also amazingly green there. Coming from the current brown/gray of our residence it was a welcome change. Although, we were told it was because they have had quite a bit of rain, and not to expect green all of the time.

Here is one of the little kids since College Daughter always accuses me of only taking landscape pics.

Finally, the token petroglyph pic since I am married to Cool Dad(I still think he is a little sad that he is know here as Cool Dad instead of Indiana Jones).

We had a great weekend, and really enjoyed our time in Tucson, especially driving to Mt. Lemmon ski resort and getting out of the heat. There are plenty of things to do in Tucson and we will definitely go back. I am hoping next spring when the cactus are in full bloom.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Tell Me I Didn't Just Hear THAT!

In Tucson, on vacation, watching The Food Network with Hot Mom, Pie and Bud (my kids are freaks and actually enjoy The Food Network) and in the middle of Chopped, I hear the following during a commercial break:

"Are you using a dirty catheter?"

At this very moment, I did my best version of a spit-take. About a million things went through my mind, but the first few things that went through my mind were these:


"Who uses a dirty catheter?"

"Why did the Food Network agree to allow this advertiser on their channel?"

"Seriously? A dirty catheter?"


I don't really remember what else went through my mind but the visuals were altogether disturbing.

So...apparently...if you are using a dirty catheter (you know who you are) there is some help out there. Tune in to Food Network on Sunday nights and solve that problem once and for all.

P. S. You will all note that I did not post any photographs with this blog entry. You're welcome.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Hot Mom is Bursting with Pride, but the Good Kind


I would like you to meet College Daughter.

She is amazing, wonderful, kind, and beautiful. She is an unbelievably great friend to me. This week she started her senior year of college. That is a awesome accomplishment considering she just had her 19th birthday, but she is just that kind of girl.

She is a great big sister who is adored by her brother and sister. She is the kind of sister who will still sit on the floor and play Candyland. She is a very popular swim teacher back at the old stomping grounds, and can hardly make it down the hallways at church without a million kiddie hugs from all of her students...she LOVES it. She is anxious to finish school and work with little kids.

She is extremely thoughtful, and a great listener. We talk on the phone every day sometimes a couple of times a day. She tells me about school, and boys, and boys. I love that we have that kind of relationship.

I love that she made me a CD for my road trip to he**, and that she included songs that were fun, or had special meaning for us. Her favorite song when she was four was Waterloo by ABBA. She used to beg me to play it over and over again in the car. I admit I cried when that song came on. I laughed out loud when My Life Would Suck Without You came on. Let's face it, my life would suck without her. It is a great CD, and I still listen to it a couple of times a week and think of my sweet girl.

That is all, I just wanted to the world to know how proud I am of College Daughter and what an amazing, wonderful, sweet, and great kid she is.

Hot Mom

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Book Club

Do you ever notice after the fact that you fell for something hook line and sinker, but while it was happening you didn't have a clue? Welcome to my world.

Pie and I like to read each evening. We each have a book, and we enjoy spending that time together, but in our own worlds. All summer long we read for an hour after Bubba went to bed. Now that she goes to bed a little earlier we don't get as much time, but we still look forward to "girls reading time" every night. A few nights ago the conversation went a little something like this.

Pie, "Mom, do you miss your book club? You know, the one with Mary Ann?"

Me, "Yes, I really miss it. It was a lot of fun."

Pie, "What do you do in a book club?"

Me, "Well, you go and eat some yummy treats and then you talk about a book that everyone has read."

Pie, "So, everyone reads the same book, and you just talk. You don't sit there and read together."

Me, "No, you have to have the book read when you get there so you can discuss it, and see what everybody thinks about the book."

This is where I should have clued in that I was in trouble.

Pie, "Mom, do you think we could have a book club?"

What do you say to that?? No, because I am the worst Mom ever?

Me, "Sure, that sounds like fun" How about on Sunday night we eat some treats and talk about your book."

So, while she was at school on Friday I read Magic Tree House #15: Viking Ships at Sunrise.

So, if anyone wants to join us, we will be eating treats and discussing this book on this fine evening...anyone...anyone? Come on, there must be at least one person out there dying to read this book.

Fine, I will eat all the treats myself.

Friday, August 27, 2010

An Encounter

I almost didn't notice him.

My eyes were glued to the floor...the shiny linoleum floor routinely waxed and buffed by ServiceMaster...and I refused to acknowledge my own presence there. He, too, had his eyes glued to the floor.

"Honey, what do you think of this?"

I almost didn't answer. Answering would be a sign of defeat. Absolute, utter defeat.

"Umm...looks good."

"Do you think she'll like this?"


He must have sensed the self-loathing in my voice, the small twinge of sad resolution, the hint of embarrassment. He might have looked my way at that point, but I couldn't bring myself to return the glance. Not then. I continued to follow Hot Mom at a distance of about 10-12 feet. I couldn't help myself. She knew the way. Like a scared lamb following the shepherd. Pathetic.

At one point I glanced over to see him looking at the bottom of the large bolts (his wife a good 15 feet to his left). He looked confused. Bewildered. Exasperated. I understood. I looked under the large bolt in front of me. $8.99. I shook my head. What was I supposed to do?

I looked up to see an elderly man coming down the aisle covered in yards of ribbon and colorful swatches with polka dots, paisleys, and toile. The geezer almost looked happy! The geezer's wife hurried up the aisle after him honking like a plump old goose. I didn't like the scene. It hit too close. Way too close.

I glanced over to see him looking at the geezer, too. We both swore under our breaths at the same time. We must have. It was the only thing one could do in that situation. Still we did not acknowledge each other.

I turned away and searched for a television in the corner playing some kind of UFC match. Nothing. I would have given anything for a remote control and a bag of Doritos. Anything!

"Honey, would you go ask the lady at the counter where the poplin and the gingham are?"


"The poplin and the gingham. Go ask the lady where they are!"

I nodded. I trudged. I approached the lady behind the counter. She glared down at me from behind her 1973 beehive hairdo (a la Alice from the Brady Bunch).

"Can I help you?"

"Yeah, where are the poplar and the gingerbread?"

"The what?"

"The poplar and the gingerbread?"

I got nothing. A disgusted guffaw might have escaped her twisted lips, but my eyes were again glued to the linoleum.

He approached at that very moment. He leaned against the counter just off to my right, his eyes glued to a spot on the counter, and waited.

Disgusted with my inquiry, the B-52 wannabe turned her attention to the newcomer.

"Can I help you?"

The way she said "you" made me feel like a defunct first-grader in detention.

"Yeah," he began. "Where can I find some Muslims?"

No response. Nothing.

I glanced over at the man adjacent to me on the counter.

He nodded. I nodded back. We both looked down at the counter.

Two straight guys at a fabric store at 2:00 in the afternoon on a Friday.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Domestic Diva

It has been interesting filling my days the past week or so. I have enjoyed the quiet, but I feel like I should be doing more..cleaning closets? Nope, done. Garage? Nope, that is good too. Yard work? Not only no, but no way baby. It is hot our there.

That leaves cooking. Last night I whipped up some homemade bread sticks to go with our spaghetti. Pretty yummy.

Tonight, brownies with marshmallows and cream cheese for the Home Teachers. Yum!

Maybe I better put an exercise routine into my day too to counteract the baking.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

No Spitting!

Today is Sunday. I relax on Sundays. It is a day of rest, and I take this very literally. I love that my kiddies are to the point where they can entertain themselves with minimal fighting through the afternoon. This really comes in handy with the rest part of my day.

Today they were taking turns playing on the computer. They were playing on the Friend website while I relaxed on Bubba's bed. The Primary songs from the website were lulling me into deeper relaxation, possibly early stages of sleep, but not full on log sawing like Cool Dad. At one point during the afternoon things got a little loud and I thought I could hear spitting from the office. Since I was in mid-relax I didn't get up, I just yelled, "no spitting". The noises stopped and I resumed my lovely state of rest.

Fast Forward about 30 minutes and the phone rings(thanks big sister for interrupting my nap). I ran into the office to answer it. As I start talking I notice that they are both standing at the computer and the office chair has been drug all the way across the room. I pause in the conversation with my sister to ask them why they are standing, and of course their reply, "you said no sitting". I said, "I said no spitting!". Sweet Pie's response, "oooh". With a classic look on her face that seems to say, "well that certainly makes more sense."

Should I get their ears checked? Should I ponder deeply why this particular command was followed while so many others are not? In the end I just laughed hysterically like my sister at the thought of them standing working at the computer for 30 minutes.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

The Top Hat and the Boot

"Whatcha doing?"


"Hey, you're logged in to Yahoo under my name."

"It's probably cause you never log out. Oh, look, you have a couple of e-mails."

"What do they say?"

"Don't know. Don't care."

Cool Dad is summarily logged off of Yahoo by Hot Mom.


I mention this little story to illustrate the pathetic nature of my life now. My life is so full of pathos that my wife will no longer snoop in my e-mail account. She doesn't check my phone records. She doesn't even get a bit upset when I go out to lunch with the hot chicks in my office. I used to think it was because we have such an open, strong relationship, but now I think its because she thinks I have no game.

"Sure, honey, go to lunch with the girls. I'll send breath mints."

What? Is she taunting me with her antagonism? I still have game. I got plenty of game.

My concern is that the game I've got now is Monopoly Junior. And I got stuck with the boot.

Friday, August 20, 2010

Oh Crap, I Forgot it's Garbage Day...Not

We are county folks now. I know you are all visualizing lush yards with acreage and chickens wandering around the homestead, maybe even a little stream running through the property...sorry, not so much.

Even though we are not in the city limits we still have neighbors on all sides, approximately two feet away. In our neck of the woods being county folks means the city doesn't bundle your utilities up in a nice little package and send you a bill each month. It means that you have to go find the gas company, the electric company, the water company, and the garbage company all on your own. Don't forget to pay deposits to EVERY one of them for new service.

There are not a lot of choices until you get to the garbage company. There are three companies desperate to remove your trash, and each of them come with their own garbage plan and rate.

We opted for the once a week garbage removal with the once a week recycling removal. This all sounds good in theory, until you realize that three companies offer pick-up and the once a week people are on one day, the twice a week people are on two different days, and the recycling is on a totally different day...FOR EVERY COMPANY.

What does this mean to me, except of course that I can't use my neighbors cans at the curb as a reminder of garbage day because they are on different schedules?

It means that there is a garbage truck going through my neighborhood at 6am EVERY MORNING. Causing me to leap out of bed and wonder if the can is at the curb. It is a heart stopper people. Some of you may think I am overreacting a bit, but you are the folks that have forgotten we moved to he**. Do you know what garbage smells like in he** after a week? Try two, not pretty.

So every week begins with multiple sticky notes all over the house, a reminder on my phone, and the promise of a dollar to every kid who reminds mommy and daddy to put the garbage out the night before garbage day.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

A Day in the Life

Things I have done today:

1. Registered the car...by myself.

2. Picked up dry cleaning...by myself.

3. Dropped of paperwork for insurance...by myself.

4. Went to the grocery store...by myself.

5. Cleaned the house without interruptions or fighting.

6. Did NOT re-clean the house five times throughout the day.

7. Had multiple phone conversations without interruption.

Hello all day school. Welcome to my world.

Monday, August 16, 2010

And So It Begins...

Pie and Bubba began the long arduous trek to responsible adulthood once again this year and it got me reflecting on my days as an Acequia Indian. Oh, those were the good old days. British Bulldog during the morning recess. The ever-popular (and inherently un-PC) Smear the Queer during the afternoon recess and a fierce game of tetherball after a meatloaf and canned corn lunch. I miss it. I really miss it.

I remember pulling on the pigtails of Pam Lloyd, picking my nose and flicking it at Joe Fitzgerald, and flicking the ears of Aaron Fernau. Anyway...I miss it. Good times...good times.

But now I hear there are rules to be followed! Real, full-on, OSHA-sponsored rules on the playground. And my kid ACTUALLY has to sign that she will abide by them. I am NOT kidding. I am ashamed to be an American with these rules in our schools. No wonder the Japanese are kicking our collective tooshies.

Here they are:

Monkey Bars:

No sitting on top.
Hang by hands only, no knee spins or flipping around.


Feet first, bottom down, yawn, sit to slide, stand up at bottom of slide and walk away, salute to Herr Buttinski at bottom, single file in line.

Genral Rules (yes, they spelled it that way...yeah, education system):

No tackle sports.
No throwing rocks or stone (or naughty words)
Do not kick soccer balls (what the heck!)

Genral Cafeteria Rules (yes, they continued to spell it wrong):

Keep hands, feet, and objects to yourself.
12-inch volume voices (I have no idea what that means)
Clean up after yourself
No eating in line.
No looking in the windows.
Do not share food.

Okay, that is it! Do not share food? We teach altruism in the classroom, but you will be punished if we find you sharing your food with the less fortunate.

"But Mr. Smith, I wanted an extra french fry and Juan wanted a carrot stick so we traded."

"You will rot in detention forever then. Mwa-ha-ha-ha-haaaaaaa."

It is going to be a long year.

Friday, August 13, 2010


I just wanted all three of the people who read our blog to know that our computer has died. It will be a while before we can post (I am not running to the library every day). Cool Dad is sad because he has a few blogs rolling around in his head that he would like to post.

I asked College Daughter to add this update for me, but she said nobody would miss us...Ouch.

Have a great weekend, hope to be back next week.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Show Tunes

I’m in love,
I’m in love,
I’m in love,
I’m in love,
I’m in love with

I know I’m no Mitzi Gaynor, and heaven knows I don’t want anyone visualizing me dancing and twirling around the Circle K parking lot like she dances on the South Pacific beaches, but I think you get the picture.

I first noticed “my problem” when I started mapping out my errands based on Circle K locations. Luckily for me there are 17 Circle K’s within close proximity of my house. I tried to fight it, but it is true LOVE. Well, not exactly with ALL of Circle K, but there is a lovely little section in the back of the store where the Frosters live.

For any previous readers you will know that it is fairly hot in my neck of the woods. Apparently I have mentioned this before since my sister has informed me that if I leave my current area of residence I will have to shut down my blog for lack of material, but I digress. When it is 116 degrees outside nothing hits the spot quite like a 79 cent Froster from Circle K. It is 44oz of pure heaven, and who knows I might actually dance my way out to the parking lot next time I treat myself.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Jake, the Fly

He's back.

What is it with my children and minutia? They are fascinated by the smallest, rinkidinkiest things.

To wit, Pie at age three walked around with a sequin named "Menudo". A SEQUIN! She named it "MENUDO"! She carried it on the tip of her finger for days...even weeks. I think Pie was eventually traumatized when "Menudo" met his (her?) demise at the hands of the vacuum cleaner. Oh, she wailed that day!

Anyway, back to the present. Bubba loves flies. We don't have pets in our house because of various allergies but that has not prevented Bubba from adopting a pet fly called Jake. Yes, Jake. Now, those of you familiar with Bubba will remember that about a year ago, he had a similar fascination with a fly named Jake, but this time he is out of his mind. He will follow this one fly around our house for literally hours with his finger stuck out hoping Jake might perch on it. He is VERY...VERY...VERY still so that Jake will not be scared by him and will see fit to land on him (oh, and not to mention that fly leaving feces on said child bit that I love so much).

Right now as I write these very words, Jake is buzzing around my ears, nose, mouth, and eyes like the demon spawn of Jeff Goldblum that he is, and I can't go swat him with the Fly Swatter of Death all because my child thinks Jake is cute and would be devastated.


Out! Out! Damned Jake!

Shakespeare, I am not.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Knowing Too Much

So....at the bottom of the blog we count all of the people who read the blog as "People who know too much about us". Well...do you? Do you really know too much about us?

I thought not.

So I offer here enough stuff about us to qualify you to know too much about us. In return I want to know one thing about you that would qualify me to know too much about you. Deal?

Anyway...here goes.

Cool Dad thinks coconut looks like toenails and has the same consistency.

Hot Mom once ran a marathon with only one shoe.

Cool Dad once elbowed a girl in the face on the first date.

Hot Mom is fond of soybeans and tilt-a-whirls.

Cool Dad consistently watches Project Runway and Iron Chef.

Hot Mom thinks Cool Dad is the most handsome man on the entire planet.

Cool Dad proposed to Hot Mom in the midst of a makeout session.

Hot Mom was mighty impressed with the proposal.

Cool Dad wore his underwear backward on the day of his proposal because he is an idiot.

Hot Mom was mighty impressed.

Cool Dad went golfing on his Wedding Day.

Hot Mom...again, mighty impressed.

Cool Dad wanted Bubba's middle name to be Indiana.

Hot Mom thought that was a swell idea.

Cool Dad was actually invited to participate in this blog.

Hot Mom will never change the password.

Okay, folks, I expect you all to go down to the comment section of the blog and give us confidential info that will blow our socks off. Do it. Do it now.

Monday, August 2, 2010

And They're Off

Day two of our summer vacation(I know two days doesn't really seems like a vacation, but when you are telling small children lies to make is seem a lot cooler, well...it is what it is) started at Balboa Park where we visited the Timkin Museum. We have an overwhelming desire to make our small children walk around museums with their arms folded, speaking in hushed tones. Someday they will thank us for their appreciation of art, and if not, we can reflect on the few times in their lives when they were actually quiet.

After the museum we headed to the Harbor. We spent a few minutes walking around the USS Midway. Although we decided to save touring the carrier for another day, we still enjoyed our visit. There is a great tribute to Bob Hope as he entertains the troops, along with a tribute to a very famous photo. Yes, Bubba is looking up the ladies skirt. I am pretty sure his dad encouraged that.

Click Here
The second half of day two was spent at Del Mar

Cool Dad and I enjoy a good horse race, so we were anxious to introduce the kiddies to the track. I mean who doesn't want their kid to go to school and write a report on their summer vacation, including terms like, win, place, show, exacta, quinella, and trifecta. It's really just a well rounded education. We are hoping Farm Girl will add a chapter about us in her parenting book: Museum in the Morning, Ponies in the Afternoon.

Bubba's favorite horse of the day was Rule the Storm because of course, it "RULES THE STORM"! Cool Dad's favorite horse of the day was Asno Del Caramelo or Candy Ass. Nice, Cool Dad, way to get our blog a PG-13 rating.

I am also throwing in a few pics of the children at the beach. Cool Dad was too busy making up things in yesterday's post to be bothered with pics of blue children covered in sand.

All in all a great "summer vacation".

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Summer Vacation

Two days.

That's is all we could afford on my government salary and the joy of hotel points.

So...after being chided by Hot Mom for playing two hands of Texas Hold 'Em on Facebook, I loaded up the van and headed to San Diego with Hot Mom and the two kiddies in tow.

First destination: Mission Beach.

Let me take a moment here to digress. Mission Beach on a Friday afternoon in late July is a demolition derby of tramp stamps, wife-beaters, geriatric granolas, and latte-induced hyperactivity. The parking attempt alone was fraught with angst, terror, and lots of irritation from the kiddies as the beach loomed in the distance.

Anyway...we found a safe haven for Odie (our van) and Cool Dad slipped in to the back seat to again slip into his chic swim trunks. Once that debacle and the subsequent hubbub over what to take to the beach and the constant lame cries from Hot Mom about the 63 degree temperature, we tackled the beach.


I love the beach. 63 degrees and all, the beach is awesome. Hot Mom curled up in sweat pants, a parka, two down sleeping bags, and a Snuggie while Cool Dad and the kiddies hopped right in to the frothy surf. IT WAS COLD! But...we endured it, we conquered it, and we made it.

Here is a brief recap:

1. We collected our fair share of seashells including one live crab, one live clam, and several dead fish.

2. We created two fairly lame sand castles and one fairly awesome sand fort (we built it in the no go zone where the lifeguards demand access so we got in trouble, but it was still super cool)

3. I succeeded in getting the lips of both of the kiddies blue. I think Bubba got hypothermia and Pie is still shivering but a dad has to do what a dad has to do.

4. I tried to teach Bubba how to pee in the ocean, but failed. Apparently he is quite a proper little pee-er.

5. I awakened Hot Mom from her long Summer's nap just in time to take her home.

So...we then went back to the motel, cleaned up, went to Fuddrucker's, bought Hot Mom a book cause she realized at the beach that she had already read the book she brought from the library (likely story), returned to the hotel, and then WENT SWIMMING again.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Yes, we went swimming at the motel.

I think it was at this point that the ambulance arrived to fish me out of the pool in my catatonic state and wheel me back to the motel room on a gurney.

I passed out slightly thereafter and remember nothing more.

Stay tuned as Hot Mom will recap the events from the second day of SUMMER VACATION.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Mom in Trouble; Needs Advice ASAP

Hello blog readers (all three of you). I need some help. During the big move I did some serious house cleaning. Let’s just say that DI and I became very good friends. There is a good chance that quite a few toys and more specifically dolls made the DI journey. There is one doll in particular named Carrie that made the trip. Let’s be honest, Carrie was old. She belonged to College Daughter, her hair was matted and she was a bit scraped up.

Fast forward to today. We unpacked the last of the kids bedroom boxes, and Riley suddenly erupted into hysterics. Carrie had not come out of any of the boxes. I had no idea she even remembered the doll.
Now, the question of the day, what do I tell her??? She is frantically looking through the house, thinking there must be one more box with her precious Carrie, her favorite doll EVER.

Remember, this is a child will hold a grudge for the rest of her life, and possibly into the eternities.


Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Current Temps are Holding Steady at 84 Degrees… Just Not at My House

Grandma and Grandpa J were kind enough to drive College Daughter to see us for the weekend. We knew we would need something to keep them busy, while trying to stop them from melting, so we decided to take a quick trip to the mountains. A few weeks ago we found a great little get away with MUCH cooler temps. Julian California is a quaint town located high in the mountains outside of San Diego. They are known for the apple orchards, and great food. We had an awesome lunch at Miner’s Diner and then some world famous apple pie at Mom's.

Some high points are The Birdwatcher, where Little Cutie Pie swoons and begs over every Flamingo until Grandma caves and buys a magnetic flamingo book mark, and The Nut Shop. I would however recommend you stay away from the wasabi samples…HOT (I mean weren’t we trying to escape the heat?) Not to be outdone, Bubba convinced Grandma that he just HAD to have a yoyo. I love how he has to stand on a bench to even try the thing out.

All in all it was a successful weekend. If you come visit us we will take you to Julian too!!

Saturday, July 24, 2010

I’m Baaaack!!!! Swim Mom Returns

In an attempt to steer the blog to a more family friendly theme I thought I would document last night’s family activity.

There is a pretty large aquatics center here that we have had our eye on. Things were looking pretty good upon arrival. Wading pool: check, small slide: check, diving area: check, big slide: check. The kiddies were delirious with anticipation. First things first, drop the bags and run to the big slide. What??? You have to be 48 inches to ride the slide?? Yes, it is true my sweet pie who is quite a good swimmer is only 46 ½ inches. She was not allowed to ride the slide, you know the one with the lifeguard sitting IN THE POOL at the bottom. Bubba, wasn’t even close, but he took it all in stride as usual, and was content in the kiddie play area.

So what do you do when your kid can’t go on the big slide? That’s right, you make them swim laps. Actually, Pie was very excited. She had really wanted to join a summer swim team, but you have to be able to swim 25 yards, and she had not quite made it yet, so we decided to work on it a little. The little cutie swam 75 yards with minimal breaks in between the 25 yard stretches.

Hello, summer swim league we will be getting to know you next summer. So, the truth is my Swim Mom license plate frame is not gone, just in retirement for a year.

Friday, July 23, 2010


I did it.

I got rid of the stinky bum soap.

I drove Hot Mom to the "Store that Shall Not Be Named" on our date to get something else and guess what?

The conversation with the salesgirl went something like this:

"Can I help you?"

"Yeah, we're looking for something that doesn't smell like butt."

"Luckily, sir, we have a lot of somethings that don't smell like that."

"Do you? Do you really? Cause the last thing we bought in here smelled like butt."

"Did you smell it before you bought it?"


I look at Hot Mom who is sheepishly cowered in the corner. I guessed not.

"What kind did you buy the last time?"

"Herb garden."

"Herb garden?"

"Yeah, and it smells like butt." The salesgirl was clearly amused with my use of the word butt so I continued to employ it like I was a third grader.

"Yeah, it didn't sell very well and I think they discontinued it. It didn't smell very good at all."

"It smelled like butt."

"Yes, sir, you've made that perfectly clear."

"Well, it looks like your wife has made a few very good selections this time. You've got Tahitian Red Raspberry, Biker Bar at Midnight, and Warm Vanilla Marshmallow Smores with Hershey's Syrup and a Hint of Pistachio. I hope your hands will no longer smell like...well..."

"A butt?"

"Yeah, that."

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Herb Garden, My Butt!

Bed, Bath, Body Works and Beyond or whatever that stupid store is named can kiss my big fat tooter. That is for sure.

So normally Hot Mom buys hand soap from the "Store that Shall Not Be Named" because she is a soap elitist and thinks bar soaps are gross and/or they leave a filmy layer on her oh-so-delicate skin and usually I say nothing. She buys Pink Cuddly Grapefruit or English Pansy Spa or Cocoa Puffs or something. I usually have no problem with the stuff. Hey, I love the smell of Cocoa Puffs on my sparkly clean hands as much as the next guy, but.......

This time she bought something called Herb Garden and it smells like butt. And after five years with Bubba, I know what butt smells like! Not sparkly clean baby butt or even normal run of the mill butt, but stanky, sit in rotten spinach for four hours butt. It is nasty! NASTY! I wanna puke its so nasty, but it cost like $7.00 so I kinda gotta stick it out.

Even Hot Mom agrees on the level of stink-buttedness, but she insists we keep it until she can get something fruity, cause soap is soap and it still gets your hands clean.

Bite me! I am getting rid of it tonight. After she falls asleep. Shhhhhhhhhhhh!

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

A Mother's Work is Never Done

Things to do today...

1. Change password on blog.

2. Clean bathtub.

3. Hide camera.

4. Throw out Color Dotz.

5. Find new time-out chair for 260lb man.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Color Dotz Bath

I said I would...and so I did. And I went with...........PINK!

I kinda think this photo makes it look like maybe I pulled off a scab or something, but, no, it is a purplish Color Dot that somehow transforms to pink. Amazing what Red 33 will do to simple water.

And lest you think I didn't really partake of the full effect of the joy that is the Color Dot.


Here is the lovely Cool Dad leg nakedly testing the Color Dotted water.

How delightful that you all get to experience it with me! The water is toasty hot as the water is always toasty hot here. I believe that is a product of the fact that the water travels through metal pipes that are exposed to the elements here and is therefore at a continuous temperature of about 197 degrees give or take a few minutes in the air-conditioned bliss of the house. You will also notice that despite the six months I have spent here, my voluptuous gams are still lily white. I know you girls are now salivating and you men are green with envy at my hotness, but keep it to yourselves, please. This is a family blog.

As for the lessons learned from the Color Dotz Experiment, I offer the following:

1. 260 lbs of All-American Archaeologist does not fit comfortably into any bathtub regardless of the color of the water.

2. I kept wanting to drink the Kool-Aid looking water but the advisory on the label warned against it. It was frustrating because it looked so delicious.

3. It takes very little to entertain a 41-year-old infant.

4. I should have taken in the Doritos.

5. There is a lot of hair in my tub.

6. I think blue would have been funner. Or green perhaps, but pink was too freaky. I thought I cut myself shaving.

7. If you pee in the red-colored water it does not turn purple or blue or green or any other color at all.

8. If you confess to peeing in the tub, you will be banned forever from said tub and will have to shower/bathe with the five-year-old and wear jammies with footies.

9. Going to time-out is only fun for about 20 of the 41 minutes.

10. I am scoping out that Crayola stuff that allows you to write on the walls of the bathtub. So coooooooool.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Color Dotz and the Cool Dad

Okay, so I have a little problem. My oh-so-devious Sister-in-Law has gifted Bubba and Pie some "non-toxic water coloring tablets" called Crayola Color Dotz.

I say "non-toxic" as that is what the packaging says right on it..."non-toxic". HOWEVER, on the very same packaging the words "Do not eat" and "Do not apply around eyes" appear.

There is also an advisory note on the packaging that says "Intended for bath use only". Are they serious? I mean that is like saying "Play-do" should not be applied to carpeted surfaces or that permanent markers are to be used only on items that need to be permanently marked.

Intended for bath use only?


So a few nights ago (after the dancing burro fiasco) Bubba proceeds to place a single "Color Dot" in the tub with him. I was not aware of said "Color Dot" and upon entering the bathroom to check on him I am greeted with my Bubba in a pool of bright blue liquid. Having taken chemistry in college and knowing the propensity of Bubba to relieve himself in the tub, I was panic-stricken, shocked, disgusted and kinda hilariously entertained. I thought, "Either my little boy has some serious plumbing problems or Yuma County has some serious plumbing problems." I did not know which. I might have freaked but...then he showed me the blue tablet.


So...after reading the warnings against digesting the stuff and the toxicity confusion, I am here to say that I will be testing out the Color Dotz in a bathtub near me.

Tonight may be the night. 260 pounds of All-American Archaeologist in a tub with a rubber duck, a bag of Doritos and a Color Dot. Sounds like a plan.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

You Might Be a Redneck

We have a little problem in our new house. Somebody (Cool Dad) decided that Bubba would get the bedroom with the East facing window. We have been going through this for five years people. We all know this is a bad idea yet we moved forward, set up beds and shipped in the toys. Bubba is now happy as a clam in his new room. I am even happy to have Bubba in his new room, right up until the crack of dawn when the first tiny light leaks through those cheap rental blinds, and he opens his eyes, jumps out of bed, runs into my room, puts his sweet face about an inch from mine, and says at the top of his lungs, “GOOD MORNING”. Is it really??? I mutter incoherently, “I hate Cool Dad.” Bubba is quick to pipe up, “Mama, we don’t say hate in our family.” It is 5am; how am I supposed to remember the words we don’t say in our family.

It is time for something to be done. I am inventive, I am creative…well, not really, but I needed the pep talk. Ok, think. I have it, perfect, no cost, and no impact to walls or cheap rental blinds. Solution: Black plastic bags taped to the window with blue painters tape. Tada, instant redneck blackout shades. I blissfully slept until 7:15 this morning (insert chorus of hallelujah).

Friday, July 16, 2010

Bubba and the Burros

Bubba and I both enjoyed "Boys' Night" last evening by traveling out to the river/backwater here in the desert and getting our feet wet. It was low impact tourism at its best. We left nothing but footprints and the occasionally well-placed boulder that might have been flung from great heights into said river/backwater.

Well...during Boys' Night, Bubba and I encountered some burros. I digress here to point out that burros have a reproduction rate of about 15% of their populous every year. So, given the likelihood of burro copulation, it is perhaps not a shock that Jack and Jenny (the burros) were caught in the act by our wide-eyed Bubba. He had never seen burros before so the novelty of just seeing them was in fact novel for all of about 10 seconds, but then the oddity of seeing one animal obviously climbing on another animal piqued his curiosity.

"Dad?" said Bubba.

"Yeah?'' answered Dad.

"I think those burros are dancing."

"Dancing, huh?"

"Yep, that big one is climbing on that littler one like they're gonna dance."

He phrases this last statement as calmly and matter-of-factly as a five-year-old can and then he chuckles.

"They're funny dancers, Dad."

"Yep, Bubba.. Funny dancers."