I have ONE small, tiny, minute, little obsessive quirk. ONE! I don't lock all the doors fifteen times or count the ceiling tiles in the doctor's office or even worry one iota about stepping on the cracks of a sidewalk. I don't brush my teeth 240 times a day or count my steps to the bathroom. Heck, I don't even care if the dirty dishes are in the sink for a few hours. BUT, I do have this little quirk and my night of sleep depends on it. It is important to me.
So, here it is in all of its ignominy.
My name is Cool Dad, and I sleep on top of the sheets and below the duvet.
There! I said it. I am fanatical that the sheets on my side of the bed be perfectly flat and that they are pulled up and tucked under my pillows so that they won't slide, bunch, bundle, or otherwise crinkle during the night. I am equally fanatical that one and only one layer of bedding be on top of me. It may be a duvet or a blanket or that heavier little flannel-like warmer-upper blanket that they sometimes wedge in between the duvet and the sheets, but it can never be two of the above-mentioned covers. ONE, and only one cover can be above me during a single night. And even that cover is subject to be tossed aside if the room gets too stuffy, hot, stifling, or otherwise uncomfortable.
This revelation leads me to the dilemma of this week.
Pie has been very sick and has been lounging in our room on MY side of the bed. Her mother's crinkly-sheeted side of the bed was available all week for overall lounging, but, no, Pie decided to defile my side of the bed with her sick, sheet crinkling lounginess. She untucks my sheets, climbs under the newly untucked sheets and does all kind of lounging, squirming, and messifying. And then...she leaves it that way. SHE LEAVES IT THAT WAY! (cue Jaws theme music)
I blame Hot Mom!
She knows I go ballistic every night when I encounter the crinkliness and overall untuckedness of the sheets and I think she delights in the mayhem that follows. I think she baits poor Pie into doing it.
"Pie, honey, why don't you go lie down on your Daddy's side?"(cue Wicked Witch of the West laugh)
"Pie, just huddle up UNDER your Daddy's covers. Okay, sweety?"
"Pie, squirm about under there some more, so Daddy will lose it tonight and I can laugh at his peculiar and delightful annoyance."
"Love you, Pie, Pie!"
OH, THE HUMANITY!
One quirk, ONE, ONE????? I wish. And really, who sleeps like that, it is crazy. Normal people do not sleep on top of the sheets. Are you with me people??
ReplyDeleteHave you considered sleeping naked as substitution for the crinkliness of the sheets? Instead of crinkliness of the sheets being amplified by the crinkliness of clothes you are wearing try that one night. At the very least it might just keep Hot Mom from continuing this nefarious action.
ReplyDeleteMr. Duff, thank you for bringing up the appropriate alternative. Should Hot Mom continue with her nefariousness, I shall have to implement "Operation Nudification". Take that, Hot Mom.
ReplyDeleteHot Mom - I'm with you - normal people sleep under the sheets! You might have to think blackmail photos if Cool Dad implements his"operation" :)
ReplyDeleteHot Mom: you are so right.
ReplyDeleteCool Dad: regular people sleep BETWEEN the sheets.
Maybe you could find a "How Normal People Sleep" booklet or flier somewhere. Maybe Hot Mom stuck it in a drawer somewhere, you know that one drawer where you stick stuff...what's that called again? I always forget.
p.s. went to the ugly sweater party tonight. you were both missed. greatly. :'(
and the peek into the bedroom confirmed what we already suspected about Cool Dad's bedroom antics. They're weird and unusual. It is NOT normal to sleep on top of the sheets. And I think that should Operation Nudification should commence, there will be a sign posted on Hot Mom's bed which reads, "Cool Dad is welcome to sleep here if clothed appropriately. Otherwise, enjoy the non-crinkly/bunchiness of the sheetless couch."
ReplyDeleteSt. George haters with ugly sweaters can go sit in the drawer that shall not be named. I can't believe the vitriol that speweth forth. OperNu will commence forthwith.
ReplyDelete