Mom in Trouble; Needs Advice ASAP

Hello blog readers (all three of you). I need some help. During the big move I did some serious house cleaning. Let’s just say that DI and I became very good friends. There is a good chance that quite a few toys and more specifically dolls made the DI journey. There is one doll in particular named Carrie that made the trip. Let’s be honest, Carrie was old. She belonged to College Daughter, her hair was matted and she was a bit scraped up.

Fast forward to today. We unpacked the last of the kids bedroom boxes, and Riley suddenly erupted into hysterics. Carrie had not come out of any of the boxes. I had no idea she even remembered the doll.
Now, the question of the day, what do I tell her??? She is frantically looking through the house, thinking there must be one more box with her precious Carrie, her favorite doll EVER.

Remember, this is a child will hold a grudge for the rest of her life, and possibly into the eternities.

HELP!!!!

Current Temps are Holding Steady at 84 Degrees… Just Not at My House

Grandma and Grandpa J were kind enough to drive College Daughter to see us for the weekend. We knew we would need something to keep them busy, while trying to stop them from melting, so we decided to take a quick trip to the mountains. A few weeks ago we found a great little get away with MUCH cooler temps. Julian California is a quaint town located high in the mountains outside of San Diego. They are known for the apple orchards, and great food. We had an awesome lunch at Miner’s Diner and then some world famous apple pie at Mom's.


Some high points are The Birdwatcher, where Little Cutie Pie swoons and begs over every Flamingo until Grandma caves and buys a magnetic flamingo book mark, and The Nut Shop. I would however recommend you stay away from the wasabi samples…HOT (I mean weren’t we trying to escape the heat?) Not to be outdone, Bubba convinced Grandma that he just HAD to have a yoyo. I love how he has to stand on a bench to even try the thing out.

All in all it was a successful weekend. If you come visit us we will take you to Julian too!!

I’m Baaaack!!!! Swim Mom Returns

In an attempt to steer the blog to a more family friendly theme I thought I would document last night’s family activity.

There is a pretty large aquatics center here that we have had our eye on. Things were looking pretty good upon arrival. Wading pool: check, small slide: check, diving area: check, big slide: check. The kiddies were delirious with anticipation. First things first, drop the bags and run to the big slide. What??? You have to be 48 inches to ride the slide?? Yes, it is true my sweet pie who is quite a good swimmer is only 46 ½ inches. She was not allowed to ride the slide, you know the one with the lifeguard sitting IN THE POOL at the bottom. Bubba, wasn’t even close, but he took it all in stride as usual, and was content in the kiddie play area.

So what do you do when your kid can’t go on the big slide? That’s right, you make them swim laps. Actually, Pie was very excited. She had really wanted to join a summer swim team, but you have to be able to swim 25 yards, and she had not quite made it yet, so we decided to work on it a little. The little cutie swam 75 yards with minimal breaks in between the 25 yard stretches.

Hello, summer swim league we will be getting to know you next summer. So, the truth is my Swim Mom license plate frame is not gone, just in retirement for a year.

Vindication

I did it.

I got rid of the stinky bum soap.

I drove Hot Mom to the "Store that Shall Not Be Named" on our date to get something else and guess what?

The conversation with the salesgirl went something like this:

"Can I help you?"

"Yeah, we're looking for something that doesn't smell like butt."

"Luckily, sir, we have a lot of somethings that don't smell like that."

"Do you? Do you really? Cause the last thing we bought in here smelled like butt."

"Did you smell it before you bought it?"

"Ummmmmmm."

I look at Hot Mom who is sheepishly cowered in the corner. I guessed not.

"What kind did you buy the last time?"

"Herb garden."

"Herb garden?"

"Yeah, and it smells like butt." The salesgirl was clearly amused with my use of the word butt so I continued to employ it like I was a third grader.

"Yeah, it didn't sell very well and I think they discontinued it. It didn't smell very good at all."

"It smelled like butt."

"Yes, sir, you've made that perfectly clear."

"Well, it looks like your wife has made a few very good selections this time. You've got Tahitian Red Raspberry, Biker Bar at Midnight, and Warm Vanilla Marshmallow Smores with Hershey's Syrup and a Hint of Pistachio. I hope your hands will no longer smell like...well..."

"A butt?"

"Yeah, that."

Herb Garden, My Butt!

Bed, Bath, Body Works and Beyond or whatever that stupid store is named can kiss my big fat tooter. That is for sure.

So normally Hot Mom buys hand soap from the "Store that Shall Not Be Named" because she is a soap elitist and thinks bar soaps are gross and/or they leave a filmy layer on her oh-so-delicate skin and usually I say nothing. She buys Pink Cuddly Grapefruit or English Pansy Spa or Cocoa Puffs or something. I usually have no problem with the stuff. Hey, I love the smell of Cocoa Puffs on my sparkly clean hands as much as the next guy, but.......

This time she bought something called Herb Garden and it smells like butt. And after five years with Bubba, I know what butt smells like! Not sparkly clean baby butt or even normal run of the mill butt, but stanky, sit in rotten spinach for four hours butt. It is nasty! NASTY! I wanna puke its so nasty, but it cost like $7.00 so I kinda gotta stick it out.

Even Hot Mom agrees on the level of stink-buttedness, but she insists we keep it until she can get something fruity, cause soap is soap and it still gets your hands clean.

Bite me! I am getting rid of it tonight. After she falls asleep. Shhhhhhhhhhhh!

A Mother's Work is Never Done

Things to do today...

1. Change password on blog.

2. Clean bathtub.

3. Hide camera.

4. Throw out Color Dotz.

5. Find new time-out chair for 260lb man.

Color Dotz Bath

I said I would...and so I did. And I went with...........PINK!

I kinda think this photo makes it look like maybe I pulled off a scab or something, but, no, it is a purplish Color Dot that somehow transforms to pink. Amazing what Red 33 will do to simple water.

And lest you think I didn't really partake of the full effect of the joy that is the Color Dot.


Behold!

Here is the lovely Cool Dad leg nakedly testing the Color Dotted water.

How delightful that you all get to experience it with me! The water is toasty hot as the water is always toasty hot here. I believe that is a product of the fact that the water travels through metal pipes that are exposed to the elements here and is therefore at a continuous temperature of about 197 degrees give or take a few minutes in the air-conditioned bliss of the house. You will also notice that despite the six months I have spent here, my voluptuous gams are still lily white. I know you girls are now salivating and you men are green with envy at my hotness, but keep it to yourselves, please. This is a family blog.

As for the lessons learned from the Color Dotz Experiment, I offer the following:

1. 260 lbs of All-American Archaeologist does not fit comfortably into any bathtub regardless of the color of the water.

2. I kept wanting to drink the Kool-Aid looking water but the advisory on the label warned against it. It was frustrating because it looked so delicious.

3. It takes very little to entertain a 41-year-old infant.

4. I should have taken in the Doritos.

5. There is a lot of hair in my tub.

6. I think blue would have been funner. Or green perhaps, but pink was too freaky. I thought I cut myself shaving.

7. If you pee in the red-colored water it does not turn purple or blue or green or any other color at all.

8. If you confess to peeing in the tub, you will be banned forever from said tub and will have to shower/bathe with the five-year-old and wear jammies with footies.

9. Going to time-out is only fun for about 20 of the 41 minutes.

10. I am scoping out that Crayola stuff that allows you to write on the walls of the bathtub. So coooooooool.

Color Dotz and the Cool Dad

Okay, so I have a little problem. My oh-so-devious Sister-in-Law has gifted Bubba and Pie some "non-toxic water coloring tablets" called Crayola Color Dotz.

I say "non-toxic" as that is what the packaging says right on it..."non-toxic". HOWEVER, on the very same packaging the words "Do not eat" and "Do not apply around eyes" appear.

There is also an advisory note on the packaging that says "Intended for bath use only". Are they serious? I mean that is like saying "Play-do" should not be applied to carpeted surfaces or that permanent markers are to be used only on items that need to be permanently marked.

Intended for bath use only?

NEVER GONNA HAPPEN!

So a few nights ago (after the dancing burro fiasco) Bubba proceeds to place a single "Color Dot" in the tub with him. I was not aware of said "Color Dot" and upon entering the bathroom to check on him I am greeted with my Bubba in a pool of bright blue liquid. Having taken chemistry in college and knowing the propensity of Bubba to relieve himself in the tub, I was panic-stricken, shocked, disgusted and kinda hilariously entertained. I thought, "Either my little boy has some serious plumbing problems or Yuma County has some serious plumbing problems." I did not know which. I might have freaked but...then he showed me the blue tablet.

Whew!

So...after reading the warnings against digesting the stuff and the toxicity confusion, I am here to say that I will be testing out the Color Dotz in a bathtub near me.

Tonight may be the night. 260 pounds of All-American Archaeologist in a tub with a rubber duck, a bag of Doritos and a Color Dot. Sounds like a plan.

You Might Be a Redneck

We have a little problem in our new house. Somebody (Cool Dad) decided that Bubba would get the bedroom with the East facing window. We have been going through this for five years people. We all know this is a bad idea yet we moved forward, set up beds and shipped in the toys. Bubba is now happy as a clam in his new room. I am even happy to have Bubba in his new room, right up until the crack of dawn when the first tiny light leaks through those cheap rental blinds, and he opens his eyes, jumps out of bed, runs into my room, puts his sweet face about an inch from mine, and says at the top of his lungs, “GOOD MORNING”. Is it really??? I mutter incoherently, “I hate Cool Dad.” Bubba is quick to pipe up, “Mama, we don’t say hate in our family.” It is 5am; how am I supposed to remember the words we don’t say in our family.

It is time for something to be done. I am inventive, I am creative…well, not really, but I needed the pep talk. Ok, think. I have it, perfect, no cost, and no impact to walls or cheap rental blinds. Solution: Black plastic bags taped to the window with blue painters tape. Tada, instant redneck blackout shades. I blissfully slept until 7:15 this morning (insert chorus of hallelujah).

Bubba and the Burros

Bubba and I both enjoyed "Boys' Night" last evening by traveling out to the river/backwater here in the desert and getting our feet wet. It was low impact tourism at its best. We left nothing but footprints and the occasionally well-placed boulder that might have been flung from great heights into said river/backwater.

Well...during Boys' Night, Bubba and I encountered some burros. I digress here to point out that burros have a reproduction rate of about 15% of their populous every year. So, given the likelihood of burro copulation, it is perhaps not a shock that Jack and Jenny (the burros) were caught in the act by our wide-eyed Bubba. He had never seen burros before so the novelty of just seeing them was in fact novel for all of about 10 seconds, but then the oddity of seeing one animal obviously climbing on another animal piqued his curiosity.

"Dad?" said Bubba.

"Yeah?'' answered Dad.

"I think those burros are dancing."

"Dancing, huh?"

"Yep, that big one is climbing on that littler one like they're gonna dance."

He phrases this last statement as calmly and matter-of-factly as a five-year-old can and then he chuckles.

"They're funny dancers, Dad."

"Yep, Bubba.. Funny dancers."

Top Ten Things I Have Noticed About Our New City

1. It is HOT, as in 114-116 degrees hot.

2. It is flat, and there are no red rocks. Can somebody ship me a box full of red rocks? Oh how I miss my red rocks.

3. The water out of the tap is always very warm. Hence, all clothes are washed in warm water even if you didn’t want them to be. Brushing your teeth?? Mmmm warm water.

4. It is HOT, as in at 7pm it is still 107 degrees.

5. Even though it is summer there are still quite a few older folks around. Be prepared to be stopped in WalMart to hear kid stories, and have them fuss over your kids.

6. I came from the desert. I am just as big a fan as the next person when it comes to water conservation. I have seen lovely homes with great zero scape landscaping. Here, not so much… gray pea gravel???? Really people?? That is the prettiest thing you could find for EVERY front yard.

7. The people here are big into their pool parties. Daddy daughter date…pool party. Mother daughter activity…pool party. YM&YW…pool party. Now if we could just meet a few people with a pool.

8. I do feel a little at home when I get out in the area with all of the fields. Yesterday I followed a combine home. There is still a little Idaho in me.

9. Everyone here speaks Spanglish. There are enough English words thrown in that you get the drift of the conversation, just not the details.

10. It is HOT, as in never want to leave the house again, hot.

Who wants to come for a visit?????

WWW.Moron

Well, we are starting to get settled in. There have been some bumps and bruises along the way (mostly on my legs…who knew boxes could be so dangerous). One of the biggest pains was getting connected with the world again. After we had been in the house a couple of days I called the Internet/Cable provider to work on getting service set up. I went through the whole process with the rep only to get to the end and have her tell me that we could get this set up as soon as we moved into the house…WHAT??

The conversation went a little something like this.

Me: “We are moved into the house. We have been here two days.”

Lady: “Are you actually moved in??”

Me: “Yes” (isn’t that what I just said??)

Lady: “According to our records there is someone else living at that house.”

Me: “Where?? I can assure you that the previous tenants have moved out, and we are living here now, so will you hook up my internet?”

Lady: “Let me check with my supervisor” Pause, “no, sorry, he says someone else is living in that house and we can’t hook up your internet.”

Me: “Are you kidding me, I am actually standing in the house, right now, at this very minute, and I am the only one here. Trust me, the other people are gone. Please hook up my internet.”

Lady: “I’m sorry miss, but according to my records you are not living in that house.”

Me: “Lucky for me there are other internet providers. I will call one of them. Have a nice day.”

The other company had me up and running in a couple of days. I think that was the hardest part about the move. I can live without TV, but I love my internet.

Home Sweet Home

Well folks things are a changin’. I was told recently by a friend that I am no longer Swim Mom and it is time to get over it and move on. Wow, talk about easing me into it gently. I am not sure how I feel about not sitting at a hot pool for HOURS to watch 2 minutes of action while screaming my lungs out. I will also need to remove my Swim Mom license plate frame, but hey, maybe change is good. Based on that, and our relocation, I am shutting down my old blog (it’s quirks, and not doing what I wanted it to were bugging me anyway) to start documenting our new adventures.
Here we are, HOME SWEET HOME!